Celebretards

Ha Ha! Your Kid's in Jail!!

2010-04-27T00:20:00.005-05:00

I hate celebrities. I don't care who you are. I relish in your downfall. There are few exceptions.

This week I'd like to pick on Michael Douglas.
You see, his son, Cameron, was just sentenced to 5 years in prison for dealing Meth and possessing Heroin.

This grabbed my attention a couple of days ago when I was reading the news on my phone and ran across the story entitled "Michael Douglas asks judge for mercy". Hmmm...click!
The story opens with Michael stating that "his family's fame and history of substance abuse helped drive his son into drug addiction and crime" and that "he didn't want to see him break." He also mentions "the pressure of finding your own identity with a famous father."

Boo hoo.
Give me a F-ing break. I love hearing about these privileged pricks who have everything and then turn to drugs and alcohol. I don't want to hear the typical crap about how "well, just because someone has money doesn't mean they don't have problems..."

Bullsh!t.

In most cases, if you have money, you can easily erase 60% of the worries most people have in life off the board. I don't want to hear it.

But I digress. This is Celebretards. Not Planet BS.

So the mandatory sentence for this crime is 10 years. Cameron got 5. That's what fame, money and an influential daddy will get you. I guess there's some justice left in this country.
The judge, U.S. District Judge Richard M. Berman, after getting 37 letters from friends and family whining about how they "believed he has finally bottomed out in terms of his addiction and blah, blah, blah, may be ready to turn his life around" sentenced the 31 year-old stating, "I think this case and this sentencing may well be his last chance to make it." Or, in other words, "Go to Jail. Directly to Jail. Do NOT pass Go and do not collect $200.00."

Did you catch that part that mentions he's 31 years-old?
31.
It's not like he's 18 or even 21.
He's been alive for OVER 3 decades. That's enough time to get your act together. I betcha in those thirty years his dad has forked out some dough to bail that little turd out more than a few times.

So, I did some searching for images of Michael's unfortunate victim of circumstance and this is the most popular picture that comes up: I prefer this one:

What a douchebag. I'm sure he'll be getting more awesome tattoos in the pen.

Fresh Fish!!!

I'm sure Kirk Douglas is rolling over in his gra...what?
Really, he's still alive? Poor bastard.

-Darth

Tiger Woods - 2nd Candidate for Biggest Idiot of 2010

2010-02-22T21:01:00.000-06:00

He Doesn't Look That Sorry.

"Many of you in the room are my friends. Many of you in this room know me. Many of you have cheered for me, or worked with me, or supported me, and now, every one of you has good reason to be critical of me." Now could one of you get me a fucking glass of water and a Valium?

Tiger tried very hard to pull this pathetic mea culpa off, but to me and I think to thousands of people that quite frankly aren't fucking idiots, he came off poorly prepared, sticky-mouthed and sounding a bit desperate. It seemed like he was reading the speech for the first time, and his delivery made me question whether he was ever properly educated. He sounded a bit like a third grader reading a report in front of the class for the first time. Granted he was reading an apology for screwing a couple dozen women behind his wife's back, but still you'd think his people would have rehearsed him a bit.

I am nominating Tiger for Biggest Idiot for 2010 not because he fucked around on his wife, to the contrary, I am not at all offended by his infidelity. I can't say I am at all surprised or concerned. His wife should not be surprised either, and I bet if you got her alone she'd confess the same. As a matter of fact, I bet you can't find more than a handful of professional athletes that aren't screwing everything that walks by, its part and parcel with fame. I'm not saying its right though, for me cheating is about is shitty a thing a person can do. If you want to fuck other people don't get married. If you get married and realize you want to fuck other people, either tell your spouse that you want to fuck other people and deal with the consequences, join Ashely Madison or start whacking to internet porn like everyone else.

I am nominating Tiger for Biggest Idiot for 2010 because of this apology and its shear lame-itude. Who wrote this babbling crap? Why aren't his people teaching him how to speak in front of camera? Why is he allowing himself to be further humiliated by this witch-hunt? Does he need the money? Doubt it, in 2009 his earnings were estimated at a cool $1 billion. Does he really think that his arctic queen Eilin is going stay with him after this embarrassment and not take him for hundreds of millions of dollars? He couldn't be that stupid, or could he? He is trying to tell us with cotton-mouth that he feels really bad after screwing around with about 20 different women while saying that he knew it was wrong, all the while looking around the room like a rat. He then tell us that he is a sex addict and that he was receiving inpatient therapy. Come on, inpatient therapy? Give me a break, what did they do make you watch porn with your hands tied to the bed all day, or show you those pictures of really obese women that you see in birthday cards? No one is buying the addiction angle, unless they're addicts themselves. Addicts think we are all addicts.

Another reason Tiger is getting this nomination is that he poorly played the religion card. If he really wanted to turn this thing around quickly and get Fox News and all the other zealots behind him instead of calling for his head (on the same phones they call their drug dealers with, right Rush?) he should have said something like, "And in this time of great personal struggle, voice called to me in the night and it was Jesus. Jesus told me that he loved me and that everything would now be alright and I knew it would because Jesus has forgiven me."

But no! Tigger (spelling intended) totally fucks this opportunity up by reminding everyone that he's a Buddhist. Really stupid Tiger, because what you and all those dipshits writing your speeches seemed to have missed is that all the people that are coming down on you now are Christians. The rest of us don't give a shit about your sexual transgressions. All the idiots that watch you on the course and tell their kids that they should look up to you like a nine iron wielding black Jesus are Christians.

One thing Christians don't like is other religions, especially ones that don't require a bunch of guilt or begin for forgiveness.

So here is our 2nd nominee, Tiger Woods. May he continue to wiggle like a worm so we have more shit to write about.

With all due respect,
The Chief

We Are the...WTF?!!?

2010-02-10T00:34:00.003-06:00

Did you hear the news?
They are going to redo "We Are The World".
Who are "They?" Some of the same Celebretards from 1985 who recorded the original PLUS some new Celebretards from our present day!
The people behind the original included Quincy Jones, Michael Jackson, Lionel Richie, Bruce Springsteen, Bob Dylan, Billy Joel, Huey Lewis, Cyndi Lauper and Diana Ross. Just to name a few.
Harry Belafonte was the guy who came up with the idea for this POS. We all know what kind of douchebag he's turned into.
Anyway, it's getting remade.
Here's a short list of the "talent" on the new one:
Jamie Foxx, Usher, Lil Wayne, Wyclef Jean, Josh Groban, Will.I.Am, T-Pain, Kanye West, LL Cool J, Snoop Dogg, Busta Rhymes, Barbra Streisand, Carlos Santana, Natalie Cole, BeBe Winans, Harry Connick Jr., Earth, Wind & Fire, Brian Wilson, Tony Bennett, Randy Jackson, Celine Dion, Gladys Knight, Jeff Bridges, Vince Vaughn, Nicole Richie, Rashida Jones, Akon, Brandy, Katharine McPhee and Justin Bieber.
This is going to suck. Even MORE than the original and the original was a total piece of crap. Anyone who thinks back to the original with fond memories is a moron.
Sure, there were a couple good artists in the original lineup but they couldn't save this contrived drivel.
I predict this to be the most obnoxious song of 2010. Anyone who admits to liking this song should be punched in the face. I haven't even heard it and I know it's going to be horrid and you should know it too.
Now, let's review some of the talent on the new one.
First, we've got these utterly terrible "artists" performing that BARELY sing: Jamie Foxx, Lil Wayne (isn't he in jail?), T-Pain, Kanye West? Has T-Pain done anything that isn't Autotoned? Snoop? He's funny. That's it.
Then we have the true Celebretards:
Nicole Richie & Rashida Jones- Why are they there? Because their dads were there for the first one?
Jeff Bridges - He plays a blues singer in his new movie. I get it. But is that reason enough to get involved with this?
VInce Vaughn - WTF? Is he just there to pick up some beautiful babies?
You know what would be awesome. If there was a We Are The World Serial Killer. He would one by one knock off everyone on this list of contributors. Kanye first of course.
OK. So it's for a good cause: Helping out the victims of Haiti. I get it. I'm willing to give money just so this isn't released.

-Darth

Pat Robertson - 1st Candidate for Biggest Idiot of 2010

2010-01-21T21:10:00.000-06:00

If you are not familiar with Pat Robertson, please let me introduce him. Pat is the head of the Christian Broadcasting Network and the creator of the 700 Club. You know the 700 Club, the scary christian propaganda machine that brought us Jim and Tammy Fae Baker.

Pat also created the CBN News, which as Darth pointed out to me is ridiculous in that the news is supposed to be unbiased.

Funny,right? Unbiased news. Unbiased as in Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, Bill O'Reilly unbiased. Sorry, but unbiased news is about as real as Santa, virgin births and clean politicians. No such thing.

Pat has a history of making wonderfully stupid statements during the weekly addresses to his flock. Time Magazine has created a list of the Greatest Pat Robertson gaffes, so I won't recreate it here, but I want to point out the two that I am most fond of.

In 2005 good old Pat said that god allowed and caused hurricane Katrina to kill nearly 2500 people and decimate New Orleans as punishment for allowing a Supreme Court Justice nominee (John Roberts) who promised to uphold Roe v. Wade to be appointed to the highest court in the Land.

He said god punished the United States for supporting the right to choose and killed 2500 people to prove his point. Nice.

In 1992, Iowa was voting on an equal rights amendment (the last state in the Union to do so) and Patty pleaded with Iowans to ban together to stop the vote saying that he would do anything in his power to rid this country of women's equality. He went as far as a public plea on the 700 Club to ask people to donate money to an organization against the movement, the "Stop ERA" group. He penned a letter to supporters saying that feminist movement was "a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."

I wonder if people remember the things he has said and done. I don't think so.

That's why I'm writing this.

You gotta love a f*cking nut! However this time he has really gone way off the deep end. This time he has mocked the tragic death of thousands and thousands of people in the name of BULLSHIT religion.

On January 13th, 2010 this lunatic said, "[The Haitians] were under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon III, or whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you'll get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it's a deal [...] ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after the other."

He goes on to add that the earthquake is just one of many retributive actions by his god against Haiti for their satanic contract.

I am all for First Amendment rights and would never sanction censorship or punitive action against someone for making a public statement that I didn't agree with, but SOMEONE NEEDS TO KICK HIS ASS.

The scary thing is that people actually believe and follow his bullshit. People you know, be sure of it. These are dangerous mother f*ckers.

They are just like the Taliban in Afghanistan, make no mistake. The Religious Right, the Southern Baptist and and the Evangelicals are no different in its intolerance, ignorance, fanaticism or oppression than the pricks our men and women in uniform are trying to root out of the mountains in Central Asia. They only differ in that they are Americans, who are too lazy and comfortable to do anything crazy like blow themselves up, at least not yet.

Don't be fooled though, these groups are full of nuts and horrors like the Oklahoma City bombing could happen again. These American Talibani feel their grip on this country slipping away eventually one of them will do something stupid.

Don't misunderstand me though; I don't think that conservatives are crazy and I don't hate Republicans, I just don't like religious zealots and hate-mongers like Robertson. Religion is a bad thing. If you don't believe me, look around you and tell me which conflicts that we are in right now don't have a basis in religion. Or take a perusal through your world history book and count the number of wars that have been waged in the name of some f*cking god or another.

BTW: Before anyone sends me an email to correct my mis-capitalization of "god" and "satan", don't bother. Its deliberate.

With all due respect,
The Chief

Big F-cking Shock - Mark McGwire Took Steroids

2010-01-12T15:47:00.001-06:00

Really.

No shit.

I had no idea, I mean, his Popeye arms and Conan jaw never tipped me off.

First, I don't get why Major League Baseball and the FDA feel the need to regulate steroid use. Who cares? If I want to inject shit into my body that makes me big but also makes my nuts shrink and my hair fall out, why stop me. Besides baseball is entertainment, its nothing more. And as you know, entertainers all do drugs.

Shut up. Whoever you just thought of and said, "So and So doesn't do drugs..." does drugs. It may not be heroine or LSD, but I guarantee you they smoke pot to unwind or do some kind of stimulant to keep up their energy on tour or drink to excess after a show or game.

They all do drugs, but for once the drug Mark McGwire was doing actually enhanced his performance. Even I, as a dyed in the wool baseball HATER, thought he was kick ass. And make no mistake, he would have been just another big, goofing look player with bad acne scars had he not hit the bovine growth hormone.

Fortunately, I did not watch his interview wherein he confesses to steroid use. It would have just been time wasted. I didn't need the admission, I don't think anyone did. I surely didn't need to see the clip on this mornings news in which his voice cracks and his lip quivers. I don't give two rats asses about Mark McGwire, but I definitely don't need to see him pretend to cry and ask to be forgiven.

The American baseball fans need to ask themselves a few questions; Didn't you enjoy watching him hit number 63, Didn't he do it for your benefit and Is he really sorry. My guess is their answers will be yes, yes, and no.

With all due respect,
The Chief

Tiger Woods, Brit Hume and Why Christians Get Off the Hook

2010-01-06T21:31:00.002-06:00

Tiger Woods. You know the name right? Possibly the greatest golfer to ever play the game, at least the most celebrated. Even if you don't follow golf though I'm sure you also by now you have read that Tiger is a major poon hound. At last count, he has cheated on his wife with 16 women, some of whom he has maintained relationships with for years.

Not bad for a funny looking dude with a stupid name that looks like a cross between Webster and Alvin the Chipmunk.

Adultery is bad. Especially when you are a major repeat offender, but I don't recall ever hearing that Tiger was beating up his wife, or his kids or his girlfriends. I also don't remember reading that he was a drug addict or that he has sexually harassed anyone, like say RUSH LIMBAUGH OR BILL O'REILLY. Actually it would appear that the ladies like Tiger's wood.

It occurs to me that the only crimes that Tiger has committed are trying to be too squeaky clean and not being a Christian. At least that is my interpretion of the bullshit that Brit Hume spewed on Fox News a few days ago when asked if he thought Tiger would emerge from all the controversy.

In case you missed it here's the clip, wherein Brit says "He's said to be a Buddhist. I don't think that faith offers the kind of forgiveness and redemption that is offered by the Christian faith. So my message to Tiger would be, 'Tiger, turn to the Christian faith and you can make a total recovery and be a great example to the world.'"

Its interesting that Brit Hume feels that once Tiger is forgiven and redeemed by Jesus that all the pain and embarrassment he has caused his wife and family vanish.

That is what I love about Christians, you can do f-ing anything and as long as you say your sorry to Jesus its OK. No problem. Kill some guy and steal his car? "I'm sorry Jesus," and its over like it didn't even happen. They sell out their whole concept of punishment and reward by saying that if you do something really bad but you're sorry, you won't have to go to hell. You still get into heaven, because you're sorry.
Reminds me of an old Steve Martin bit where he says that there are two words in the English language that can relieve you of any responsibility for anything you may ever do, "I forgot." As in "I forgot armed robbery was illegal, or I forgot to pay my taxes." I don't think Steve meant it and I doubt if Jesus did either.

I bet if you ask his wife, she'd probably not just forget the whole thing as long as Jesus said it was OK with him. You see the problem is that Elin and Tiger and you and I and Brit Hume and all the miserable prols you see everyday, we all live in the real world and even if you say your sorry to someone that you can't see, all the stupid shit you did was still done and the results are real, tangible and irreversible. All the "I'm sorry"'s and Hail Marys do not change the fact that you screwed up and real people with real live have to deal with it.

Once humanity gets passed deities and demigods and accepts the fact the we are all stewards of our own lives and that in order to be happy we have to NOT take happiness away from other or they will do it to us idiots like Brit and Rush will not just get away with it because they kneel at the right alter.

With all due respect,
The Chief

Media Whores - Reality TV Wannabes

2009-12-01T21:41:00.000-06:00

Just when I thought we had enough media time wasted on Richard Heene, he has been out done.

On a Presidential Scale.

Let me introduce to you, in case you just pulled your head from the sand, the Salahis, Tareq and Michelle as seen here during the Matt Lauer interview today.

These f!cking idiots would have us believe that they are the victims in this mess. They are trying to create a backstory wherein they were mislead to believe they were invited. These poor people are being railroaded by the White House.

Bullshit!

If they had been invited, the Secret Service would have squashed this story immediately or Michelle Jones from the Pentagon would have never made they comment that she never told them they were invited.

But lets not judge the Salahis on this incident alone, but lets look at their history.

1) First and I think foremost, they wanted to be paid for their story. They didn't get paid by NBC, but I believe that they did the NBC interview at the direction of their legal council. I have a feeling they are in deeper shit then they thought they'd be and were told to get their sob story out before its too late.

2) They are also accused of crashing another political dinner just this past September. The Congressional Black Caucus Foundation spokesperson Muriel Cooper, confirmed that the Salahis were escorted out of a foundation dinner on 9/26. The couple was sitting at a $20,000-per-table section at the event where Obama was the keynote speaker. When the guests that actually paid complained that someone was in their seats, the Salahis were asked to show their tickets. They were asked to leave when they couldn't produce them. Security at the event escorted them out of the building. Very douchey.

3) The Salahis have been accused of running a fake charity as well. The Virginia State Attorney General reported to Alex Bogdonovich of The Fauquier Times-Democrat in May 2009 that the Salahis’ charitable organization, Journey for a Cure, was not registered with the State Corporation Commission and warned givers that the State “could not be assured that funds were being spent for charitable purposes".

4) To top it all off, Michelle Salahi like our beloved Richard Heene, is a hopeful for a reality TV show. She is being considered for Bravo's upcoming "Real Housewives of Washington DC". Bravo has confirmed that they were actually taping the Salahis that day but will not comment on whether or not they got any footage inside the State Dinner.

Now what does this all mean for the Salahis, the Secret Service and the President?

Well my guess is that the Salahis will wear out their 15 minutes, she won't be on Bravo and their businesses will all suffer as a result of the publicity and the time and money they will spend defending themselves in the impending federal investigation.

The Secret Service will fire lots of people, blame one guy and figure they got lucky with just some cheesy photo-ops and news coverage.

The President will go on about his life just like he has these last 200 something days, with the feeling that someone is always trying to get to him and that he needs to keep any eye out for nut jobs.

As for Richard Heene, well to update you he and his wife have pled guilty to felony and misdemeanor charges for concocting their little hoax back in October. Its likely, per the prosecutors, that they will serve some jail time and the fines will be in the $30,000-$50,000 range. His wife, Mayuki Heene is a japanese citizen and faces possibly deportation for a felony conviction. They Heene's attorneys will no doubt avoid that due to the concern both the Heenes and the prosecutors have for the Heene's kids, which is ironic when you think about the fact that all their trouble was because they pretended to loose their son in balloon.

Dipshits.

With all due respect,
The Chief

Open Letter to Richard Heene

2009-10-19T22:50:00.001-05:00

Richard Heene,

We completely understand your situation. We know how it feels to watch people on the television, acting like total asses, doing things that you would like to do, going places that you want to see, all the while thinking, Damn it I could do that!

Some out there in the real world don't get how frustrating it is to build really cool stuff like weather balloons and no one cares. Or to do really cool stuff like ride a motorcycle into a tornado and not get noticed. Or have your kids fly with you into a hurricane. Its a problem that we all can relate to. But don't despair.

And no one knows better than we that the World is Full of Idiots and they are really easy to trick, but we also know something else.

NEVER TELL YOUR 6 YEAR OLD STUFF YOU DON'T WANT REPEATED. THEY ARE CRAPPY SECRET KEEPERS.

I have to hand it to you, the drama you created and your performance therein was pretty spectacular. When you came running around the balloon as it landed like you were the Road Runner or something with the cloud of dust kicking up around you I thought, "Man I hope that friggin kid is OK. His dad is freaking out."

Then I thought, "Hmm Uh oh, no kid. Whole Shit he fell out!" I never once thought, "I bet he's hiding in the garage because HIS GODDAMN DAD PUT HIM UP TO IT!"

Well done, but you really should have just knocked the little creeper out or something because he really blew it for you. Yet you still entertained me, like when Falcon says " because you said it was for the show" and you looked like you just crapped in your pants, but then pulled it together with a great bit of herumphing and mumbling. I couldn't stop laughing.

At you.

Or when Falcon puked on the Today show and you went on with the interview. Priceless. Now I have to admit the babble that you came up with after the "is this a hoax" question was a little Off Broadway.

I guess its like they say, The Show Must Gone On, right Rich?

We here at WFI were wondering though, could you give us a few pointer on how we can get our 15 minutes too? And if you have any suggestion on how to parlay that into a realty TV show that would be great.

With all due respect,

The Chief

And the IgNobel Goes To....

2009-10-09T20:49:00.009-05:00

A Big gelignite Packed

e-vite to

alfred bernhard nobel

As most of you out there know, celebrities do so little for me that I’d gladly take a beating with a rusted tire-iron. So I’ve made the decision to only do e-vites to those that are deceased, or that are soon to be. Ahhh... The cheerful satisfaction of the “Great Equalizer”. She don’t just come to you and me. Even the most plasticine marionette Sony/Fox/MGM can envision, through endless focus groups, age group profiling, Neilson ratings, or mass bombardment of one’s senses; WILL ALL CEASE TO BE. Just shuffle off “This Mortal Coil”. What a reassuring thought!

I thought it would be apropos, considering all of the awards being given out to various human types across the globe, to give a big ‘ole Angry shout out to a man probably quite near the top of the food chain when it comes to being responsible for quite a shit-ton of human misery and carnage. This man is none other than Alfred Nobel...

Mr. Nobel; chemist, engineer, armaments manufacturer, and last but not least inventor of Dynamiteand Gelignite A.K.A blasting gelatin. This fuckers legacy has been the bane of many a poor ‘Hop Sing the rail road builder’ and ‘Stanley the unsuspecting hostage’ types for well over a century now!! Hell!! If it weren’t for Nobel the Mangler, that barrel full of laughs Phineas P. Gage may have gone on to pressing flowers in children's books and waxing poetically on the finer details of Autoregressive Conditional Heteroskedasticity, embeded derivatives, and portfolio separation theorems.

I know of many situations where the use of Dynamite could have been completely avoided, but was also quite inappropriate! The painting of the Sistine Chapel by Leonardo D’Crappio, or the development of the Pan flute and Lyre, or most musical instruments for that matter! Or how about the beginning of a multiple colored sunset who’s light is diffused through Cirrostratus clouds viewed from an isolated beach?! I mean why use that shit for those destructive purposes?? Instead, the inverse of such perversion, ingenuity and careful reasoning, was fully utilized for situations as mellow and loving as: The Peloponnesian Wars. The 100 Years War. The Boer Wars.The Ottoman-Habsburg Wars, The Crusade’s, The Muscovite-Lithuanian wars, The War of Mantuan Succession, The Rum Rebellion, The Arakanese Uprising, The Gurkha War, The Seminole Wars, The Missouri Morman War (although a little more ingenuity and careful reasoning would have been nice on this one), The Sicilian revolution of independence ( they lost that one cause they kept sliding down the hills and couldn’t hold on to their weapons), and of course WW1&WW2, both of which had some of the most loving, caring examples of Human-hood ever seen!

I know, how silly Brady! Well Mr. Nobel, I see through your thinly disguised veil of Altruism! Just ‘cause you feel bad about inventing something that killed a few Injuns, some indentured servants, and quite a few lower class Euro-Sweat rejects; You think giving all your ill-gotten gains at your demise will save your soul... Them’s fightin’ thoughts!! So put up or shut up you dirt-napping Humo-Jerky!! I dare you to respond to this e-vite you soil wasting Necro-Tard!! I bet you don’t even have the gutsssss never mind ‘bout that one. You boney oxygen depleted deadbeat!! Your mortician dresses you funny and you smell like peat!! Where’s you Dynamite Messiah now wrinkle-boy? You couldn’t debate your way out of a wet pine coffin!!

I Don’t expect to hear from you any time soon you Swedish bomb dealer!!

ANgry brady

Buy The Way, I’m still pissed at my last 800+ word treatise being “Misplaced/Electro-mechanically pinched”

Dr. Phil were you the naked live man?

2009-10-08T22:14:00.001-05:00

The good doctor is in trouble again.

This time he is being sued by a woman who claims that he basically held her against her will in the "Dr. Phil House" and forced her to endure physical and psychological abuse.

Wait a minute, there is a place that is actually called the Dr. Phil House? That makes sense though, he is a big frigging clown just like the other guy with a house named in his honor.

In the suit, the victim alleges that she was forced to be in a room with a "a completely naked live man while he exposed his entire naked body, genitals and all," and that the staff blocked her from leaving.

Was Dr. Phil the naked man? I suspect so and thats why she wanted to get the hell out of his house. Just imagine what he would look like naked.

How did she know he was "live"? What does that even mean? Would it have been OK if the naked man was dead? Or would she have preferred that he be plastic, like a blowup boyfriend? Genitals and all huh? Isn't that sort of implied in the whole "naked" part? Why are people so stupid?

The court documents go further to state that the woman learned that Dr. Phil was not in fact a real doctor or even licensed to practice psychology in the state of California.

No Shit Sherlock? You mean that all that really good advise that he dispenses is all coming right out of his ass? No! Its not like you could have told from listening to him or reading anything ever written about him.

She must have been stunned. I mean everybody knows that the best way to find a qualified therapist is to pick them from TV. He's a celebrity surely he knows what he's talking about. Celebrities are really smart. So smart in fact they don't even have to go to college to get a degree or get a license.

That's why I chose Hugh Laurie to take care of my family. I mean not only is he a doctor but he's British. Obvious choice.

With all due respect,
The Chief

And the award for the biggest Asshole goes to...

2009-09-21T16:07:00.002-05:00

Oh Thank God for Kanye West!

What an abominable idiot! I only wish he would have knocked Taylor Swift on her ass taking the mic from her. Only that could have made this better.

More than likely you are already sick of reading, hearing or seeing crap on this story, but we could not pass it up. How often do you get someone so completely self absorbed on stage, in front of millions of people who has the audacity to bully a little girl and he's not on a realty tv show?

Kanye West is truly a great big friggin' idiot and will be at the top of our Idiots of the Year Poll this winter. (Be sure to send in your recommendations in case we've missed someone).

The thing that really bothers me though is the pity party that he tried to throw for himself on Jay Leno the next evening. Basically saying that he was going to have to take some time off and really think about what he had done and how he was going to move passed it.

Putting himself in a time-out. Utter bullsh!t.

What does Kanye West do all day that he has to take time out from so that he can reflect on what a complete ass-wipe he is? Nothing. The guy does nothing.

Well that's not true, he does have to shave retarded looking crap in his hair and write songs with one chord and the same seven words repeated over and over again. He also needs time to steal music from lesser known rappers, lift jazz musicians' riffs and entire melodies, pretend to be a hip-hop artist while selling bubblegum techno and break paparazzi cameras at LAX.

Oh I almost forget ,he need time to cry about his momma too.

All in all he probably is too busy to sit down and think about what an
a$shole he is.

People stop buying is crap, would ya?

All of this was enough to make a great story and to feed our hate machine, but the proverbial cherry on top was this delicious bit:

Even the President thinks Kanye is an ass, um jackass that is. But of course he's an ass for saying it, right Rush?

In a related story, Kanye's mother's grave was recently seen turning over.

DJ AM - Final Destination 5?

2009-09-10T22:58:00.000-05:00

First, in case you don't know who DJ AM (Adam Goldstein) is, he's this guy, Nicole Richie's ex-boyfriend, moderately famous club owner and DJ.

Last year he and Travis Barker, the tattooed up little freak of a drummer for Blink-182 and reality TV douche from the show "Meet the Barkers", crashed in a private Learjet on 9/19/08 (timing is everything people) near Columbia South Carolina. The crash occurred due to poor maintenance and operation, as described in the lawsuit against Goodyear Tire and the company that was maintaining the plane.

The tires were screwed up and no one noticed. Makes you feel really good about air travel.

In any case, the plane slide off the runway, crashed into an embankment and burned to the frigging ground. Travis and DJ AM managed to escape with their lives, a little burned up, but the other four people were crisped. I have to admit, prior to the aforementioned accident I had no idea who DJ AM was.

DJ AM's injuries were substantially worst than Barker's who spent only a few days in the hospital with 2nd and 3rd degree burns on his hands. DJ AM was in the hospital far longer. Dealing with the loss of friends and colleagues in the crash DJ AM, had to fight the urge to drown his pain (physical and emotional) with the prescription pain killer of choice for all the idiots in the Hollywood, OxyCotin.

According to reports DJ AM had been clean for a few years after kicking a serious crack habit and had lost over 60 pounds, but DEATH WILL NOT BE CHEATED

Death let DJ AM slip away the first time when he lost the weight and then again when he kicked crack, then yet again in the plane crash but he knew the old standard of over-dose was an easy way to get DJ AM and on August 28th Death got him. Still worse, Death may have been handing him the pills. They found 8 undigested OxyCotins in his stomach and one in his mouth.

It is unfortunate, but I smell the makings of a new reality TV show. "Death Stalks the Barkers".

Travis has got to be nervous.

-The Chief

Dead Kennedy

2009-08-26T17:40:00.000-05:00

So we're all going to hear about what a great civil servant Ted Kennedy was.
Being born in 1969 I've only seen Ted as the bloated, gray haired, booze-swillin' cretin that he's been for the last thirty 30-something years.
I wonder how much the news is going to focus on his years of service, how he's a survivor.

Speaking of 1969. Are they going to cover Chappaquiddick? Mary Jo Kopechne?
Are they going to speak of how he abandoned her in his submerged car that he drove a bridge? How he left her there to die instead of telling the police? How the police didn't find out about the incident until the next day?
Is the media going to mention his expulsion from Harvard for cheating? Public drunkeness?
Hell no. So far the news is focusing on the positive and how long he's served in the Senate.

Is there any justice?

I didn't think so until my teenage son walked in this evening.
I asked him if he wore the shirt he was wearing to school. He said, "Oh, yeah". It was the topic of conversation that day.
Total coincidence. Not planned.
My son wore his Dead Kennedys T-Shirt. One of my favorite bands from the 80's.
Kismet.

The only question I have about Ted's death is: Why couldn't he have died the same day as Michael Jackson?

-Darth

The Great Beer Summit

2009-08-07T16:08:00.000-05:00

Photo Op Time!

By now I'm sure everyone knows about the "Beer Summit" between the President, Professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr. and Sgt. James Crowley.

If you haven't heard the story here's the Cliff Notes' version:
On July 23rd, a neighbor called the Cambridge police to report that two black males with backpacks were trying to gain entry into Professor Gates' home.
Cambridge police Sergeant James Crowley and Officer Carlos Figueroa arrived to investigate.
Gates could not provide proper ID to prove that he lived there. Only a ID showing that he was a professor at Harvard.
At some point the professor began yelling at the police officers when asked to step onto the porch, "No. I will not.,"
Then he followed up with such rants as "This is what happens to black men in America!", "ya, I'll speak with your mama outside." and the total asshole line of "You don't know who you're messing with."

To make things worse, Professor Gates is a friend of President Obama.
When asked by the press to comment on the situation, the President replied that he didn't know all of the details but that the Cambridge Police Department acted "stupidly". (Of course, I'm paraphrasing the President. We don't have the room for all the ums... and uhhs...)
Guess what? If you don't know all the facts of the situation...don't comment on it! Especially when you're the President of the United States.

This was not a "black" thing Mr. President. It was a man disobeying the police thing.

It gets better. When more of the facts come out the President speaks to Sergeant Crowley and they decide that the 3 of them should all sit down and have a beer.

Cut to CNN broadcasting almost 2 minutes of nothing but the sound of cameras clicking while these three have a cold one. No audio of them speaking. Probably the biggest news let down since Geraldo accessed Al Capone's vault.

Then again, think of all the free advertising Bud Light, Blue Moon and Red Stripe received.

Red Stripe? Really.

Celebrities: They're Just Like Us (You): Pathetic

2009-07-20T00:21:00.001-05:00

As you well know, we assholes hate celebrities.
We have our own page devoted to the douche bags. (A whole site would be a bit of overkill. Plus it would limit our bitching to just Hollywood types.)

I'm in front of my computer looking for inspiration for this week's post and I was coming up with nothing. Writer's block. Shit. (Of course, I use the term "writer" loosely.) At the very moment of me getting ready to hang it up I receive this great email showing how crappy celebrities get with age.

Tons of money and the best trainers, dietitians and plastic surgeons can only do so much. Not everyone can age that well in Hollywood. Exceptions: Tina Turner, Raquel Welch, Dick Clark (Before he had the stroke. We get more hate mail about that video than anything else.)

On with the malignity:

First off, the really easy one: Mickey Rourke. What the fuck happened to this guy? I was flippin' channels the other night and some movie was on with him in it. I had to look up the info on the movie to prove it was him. Holy shit, dude.

Next: Russel Crowe. Does he look that bad? Probably. But really, I have him on the list because he's a pompous asshole, and if there's one thing we hate here it's pompous assholes (that don't write for this site).

Alec Baldwin: If only this guy had the political views of his character on 30 Rock. But no. He has to be the busy-body limosine liberal big mouth douche that he is. Quit eating everything in the green room every time you host SNL.

Richard Gere: Has this guy made a movie that wasn't geared towards women? He's responsible for these pieces of tripe: Pretty Woman, Runaway Bride, Dr. T and the Women, Shall We Dance and Nights in Rodanthe. The only redeeming movie he's done was Primal Fear. All credit for that one goes to Edward Norton anyway.
Come on. Look at the picture. He probably looks so bad because of his anal blockage.
(Couldn't pass up a gerbil reference.)

Do ya think I'm sexy? Did anyone ever? I mean, come on, look at these pics of Rod Stewart. Even the early one with Brit Eckland. Even she looks disgusted. Maybe because of the muskrat trying to peek out of his bikini briefs. Or maybe she was thinking of the time he had to get his stomach pumped. This one was too easy.

Clint Eastwood: Ok. I'm not messing with this guy. He's Clint Fucking Eastwood. He's a bad mother-fucker. He's going to be 70 next year.
Dirty Harry. Philo Beddoe. The Man with No Name. He made us sit through Firefox just so we could see the 15 minutes of the plane at the end. His career survived being costar to a monkey. Twice. That's NEVER a good idea. Just ask Greg Evigan.
I'd be glad just to get to his age let alone be the bad-ass that he is.
He's the only guy who can pull off the lines "Go ahead, make my day." "Right turn, Clyde" and "Get off my lawn."
Anyway, here's the picture. I can't rip on him. Shit.

Don't worry. There'll be more of this.
I now have material to last for, hmmm, I don't know, until I'm 70.
But I'm sure that won't happen.

--- Darth

Luckiest Asshole This Week - Governor Mark Sanford

2009-07-10T16:41:00.001-05:00

Asshole, you got so fucking lucky this week, you better send the biggest goddamn bouquet of flowers to Michael Jackson's funeral.

But then you BLEW it!

What I don't get is, instead of lying low and enjoying the media distraction, you give a fucking press conference and deliver a 3 hour cry-baby story about how much of a fucking pussy hound you really are.

Stupid.

Long story short in case you haven't been following this, Sanford the Republican, Christian Governor of South Carolina got caught in a lie to his wife and staff exposing an affair that was supposed to be over. His wife had found out about the affair back in January. She demanded that he end it so, he had arranged to meet with his mistress, Maria Bellen Chapur of Uruguay or something, in NYC to break it off. Along with him came his spiritual advisor, a member of the Family (You'll be reading more on them within our pages soon). Well unfortunately he didn't break it off, and rumor has it that the spiritual advisor advised he to continue the affair in a very Family-style move.

Since this New York booty call, Sanford has been with Chapur twice more in secret, with the last time being a "trip to hike in the mountains". When he came back all hot and sweaty from "hiking" his staff and family knew it was BULLSHIT and called him on it and like the BIG FUCKING DOUCHE BAG he is, he fessed up.

This shit hit the fan on Father's Day weekend and he knew he was in trouble.

Then Michael Jackson died and no one cared about Mark Sanford and his run-away penis.

But that wasn't good enough for him, so he had to give a press conference and tape a 3 hour interview where in he said, "This was a whole lot more than a simple affair, this was a love story. A forbidden one, a tragic one, but a love story at the end of the day."

Fuckhead.

In an earlier statement he admitted that "there were a handful of instances wherein I crossed the lines I shouldn't have crossed as a married man, but never crossed the ultimate line."

Where the fuck was his spiritual advisor? Where the fuck where ANY of his advisors. What a dick.

Now Governor Romeo says that he is not leaving the Capital and that he has excelled at his job during his affair. Generally I would agree, the problem is that now that he has to fuck his ugly old lady his job performance is going suffer.

Just like ol' Bill.

The moral to this story is two-fold. Politicians are horny and need a good piece of ass to keep up their strength and when an evangelical runs for public office you know he's a poon-hound.

Not An eVite - Just a Message From Stevie

2009-07-03T00:54:00.001-05:00

....... .. … … .. …..
.. . . … . . . . . .. . .. …. .. .. . … ..
... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... .... ..... .. .
.. . . … .. . . . ..
... . .... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. … ..
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....

Very Touching. It really got me when he said “. .. . . . .. .. … .. .. . . .... ....”

Michael Jackoff, Billy Mays, Farrah Fawcett, and lest we forget Ed McMahon

2009-07-03T00:47:00.008-05:00

Well, it was suggested I give this Celebrity Asshole e-Vite a whirl... First off, I don't give two shit-smeared, wooden nickels about Celebrities!! Hell, I don't celebrate any of these shitheads! They're bipedal hominids that eat, shit, and fuck the same as you or I! Well, with the exception of Wacko-Jacko. I really am clueless as to why we place so much Goddamn importance in these skin-bags?! Must be something about either wanting your own flea-bitten existence not to suck so much; or that whole Cult-of-Personality thing just really makes so many humans salivate over the news of one of their trips to the grocery store to buy Tampax, or their drunken escapades in the Camoros?!?! Or any other number of moronic reasons capped up inside pusillanimous, cob-web ridden brain boxes! I mean, don't get me wrong, some people are intriguing!! It has been my experience that the vast majority of people I have run across are shit-tons more apt to pique my interest, than someone I've probably never, or will ever meet! Give me the Chromosonally challenged, gapped-toothed, Hay-seeds I had to endure growing up any day! Those Goggle-eyed Fuck-tard's are WAY more interesting to me! I could write a fucking compendium on human frailties and depravity!!

The people I listed in my title are the only Celebrity e-vites I could care to even consider! You know why?! I'm sure you do... THEY'RE ALL FUCKING DEAD!! Probably the only one of them that was truely worth a Tinkers Damn was Ed McMahon! At least he learned how to fly a plane to shoot down Japs and Krauts! Although I think he did neither. And that my friends is stretching it! He did after all host that hideous glut of human pond-scum, Star Wretch! The precursor to all that's foul on the One-Eyed-Brain Destroyer today! So....FUCK HIM TOO!!!

As for the others, well, I didn't know any of them personally. I only have gut reactions when I hear their names ( other than wanting to hurl ). Jacko, Just a stunted child living in a mans body ( quite possibly alien ). Brought on by a "living vicariously through your spawn", domineering, sociopathic, father. Billy Mays, Anybody with that much hutzpah to shuck fucking detergent to unthinking Lilliputians has got to have several thousand screws loose! Hearsay that it may be, I am of the understanding he was a fucking maniacal lunatic, and a control freak! Farrah Fawcett, Charlie's Angels and Bionic Woman!! Need I say more? I guess the fact that she was hanging, in her goofy 70's striped swimsuit, in about every dick-hard young man's bedroom wall or door, is a sad claim to fame also. Just think... "Mom, when I grow up I want 35 gazillion posters of me in my skivvies printed up so young, hormone ridden males can have pretend, 2-d sex with my quivering (soon to be cancerous) anus"

Fuck It!!! No e-Vite responses I'll have to worry about here!!! Scuttled off this Mortal Coil, only to be replaced by the next freak-shows, that we've made, to bite it!! Good riddance!!

The King of Pop Is Dead

2009-07-01T21:19:00.000-05:00

The King of Pop is gone.

For good this time.

He's been gone for awhile. With exception to the occasional nose sculpture or baby-dangling, where has he been?

He may as well have been gone (dead) for the last 20 years. What has he put out that was half-way decent since Thriller? Bad? I guess it wasn't bad, but it wasn't Thriller. That record seemed to have hits for 5 years after its release.

What would have been best is if he had gone the way of Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix or Kurt Cobain. You know, had a bunch of hits then kicked the bucket. Not live long enough to have shit albums or become a tabloid darling. I'm sure if those three hadn't kicked the bucket they would have just put out some mediocre crap and then faded into obscurity. Especially Cobain. Come on, In Utero was nowhere near as good as Nevermind.

Jacko did outlive Elvis though. Elvis died at age 42. I'm sure he had another comeback in him. Unlike the gloved one. All that was left in MJ was more TMZ & E! fodder. Elvis died on the shitter and we still fucking worship him.

But I digress.

Now we get a full week or two of everyone's opinion on TV of how much of a genius he was. From every moron on the street to every goddamn celebrity looking for a soundbyte.

Of course there'll be that "genius" Kanye spewing about how Jackson gave people like him a chance to be on MTV. Thanks Michael! Or we get to be reminded that Elizabeth Taylor still shuffles about. My generation only knows her as Michael's fag-hag, who's been divorced 27 times.

And how about these "fans" who will be crying in the streets? They'd be crying just as hard for Bernie Mac if he had died and you put a mic in their face.

What? Oh, nevermind.

Nothing will convince me that Michael is really dead. He was big on cryogenics and stuff. He'll show up as a cyborg in a couple years. Shit. He's halfway there. He was 40% plastic already. If he were to come back from the dead or this was one big hoax I will retract this article and start a church in his name. That would be the coolest thing.

So let the circus begin. Let's bring out all the Jackson family freaks and watch them wax poetic about their sibling until all media is saturated with it so that we don't notice the douchebags in North Korea or Iran. Joe Jackson will be crying about how his baby is gone. Meanwhile, behind that demon face of his, he's regretting not beating that one enough. Take a look, he's an evil mother-fucker. ILM couldn't make a scarier mask. How'd he outlive Michael? WTF?

In all seriousness, it is sad that he died. I grew up mezmerized when I saw him do the moonwalk the first time. I was glued to the TV when the video for Thriller premiered. I'm just not going to START missing the guy NOW. He's been long gone for awhile.

Tito, hand me a tissue.

Simon Cowell - Because Adam Lambert Fagged Out U2

2009-05-14T22:49:00.001-05:00

In case you missed it, last night Adam Lambert turned possibly one of the best alt-rock odes ever written, U2's "One", into a drag queen anthem. The story goes that Simon asked special permission from the band to use the song and at the last minute Bono called Simon and gave his blessing.

Bono, have you not been watching the show? Did you not realize that Adam was going to sing it like a black woman? Which would be cool, IF HE WERE A BLACK WOMAN!

Simon, are you kidding? No one is buying that you loved that performance. We all saw that grossed-out look / sideways glance you gave Paula.

So this eVite goes out to Simon. It's your fault that we had to sit there in our living rooms and watch your new Boy George cover U2. Simon we invite you to join with the other Celebrity Assholes. We are sure that they will understand that you can't always get it right and when you do by God don't let on that you were wrong.

Probably a lesser eVite should go to U2 for showing really poor judgement. Maybe Bono needs to buy a TV too.

No eVite for Adam Lambert though. Why? Because he did his thing and its not his fault that it made my skin crawl. I probably should get an eVite for even watching this show anymore.

Jamie Foxx is a Musician?

2009-05-07T18:56:00.003-05:00

Its official. The musical heart and soul of our culture has cancer. Its name is hip-hop and its being spread by posers like this asshole.

Jamie Foxx thinks that he is a legitimate musician. Really? Jamie are you sure, because the last time I checked musicians have to be able to actually play an instrument or sing and usually are able to write their own songs. They don't usually need a feature-cretan to rap a bunch of bullshit to sell their record or have a producer program their entire record. The guys that do that are the actual musicians. Jamie and his ilk are sort of like general contractors putting all the talent together and taking the credit.

Now I'm sure Jamie, you want to take credit for all of your relative success but did you write Georgia On My Mind? No. Did you write any of that tripe that we hear on the radio? No, well except the latest bit of hip-hop vomit Blame It, but do you really want credit for it?

"Blame it on the Goose (goose)
Got you feeling loose (loose)
Blame it on Petron ('tron)
Got you in the zone (zone)
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-a-a-alcohol
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-a-a-alcohol"

Really? Is that what you tell your daughter when she goes out? Just curious.

Yes I know he played Ray Charles and he played the piano and sang in the movie, I just don't think that plunking a few three note chords on the piano and doing an impersonation counts. You don't really think that any of the shots of "Ray" playing were actually Jamie Foxx do you? Well if you do you should probably read the latest post on Intelligent Design too. Gotta believe in something I guess.

Yeah he can sing, a little, but is he really a musician? No I don't think so. Not anymore so than Homer Simpson is a food critic.

I included this picture merely for the fact that he looks like a douche. Love it.

With All Due Respect,
The Chief

Future Divorcés

2009-04-15T21:30:00.001-05:00

Alright. We have a number of Celebrity Asshole E-vites this week.

First up, Mel Gibson

Wow. Perhaps the biggest celebrity news of the week. Mel and his wife of 28 years, Robyn Moore, are getting divorced.

Thanks to the laws in California she's going to walk with $500 million. Half of what Mel is worth. This could be the richest celebrity divorce yet.

Check out the pic. Does it look like her vagina would have teeth?

$500 million to get away from that? Good call, Mel!

Gotta side with Seargent Martin Riggs, William Wallace and Mad Max.

Speaking of celebrity divorces, how can we not bring up Hulk Hogan?

Hulkamania is running wild since he made the following comment: "I could've turned everything into a crime scene, like O.J., cutting everybody's throat," "You see a 19 year old boy driving your Escalade, sleeping in your bed, with your wife. I mean, I totally understand O.J."

People are going nuts over this.

Please. A little patience for the Hulkster. It's one thing to actually kill your wife. But to think it out loud? Come on guys, who hasn't fantasized about killing their ex-wife? Every guy out there who's divorced, paying outrageous child support, had their friends driven away, can only see your kids when it works out for her, etc. Raise your fucking hands!

Can't blame the guy for THINKING it. Saying it though, to the press? Not wise Hulk.

Now, both of these guys could learn some things from former Power Rangers star Skylar Deleon. If you haven't heard, this guy just got sentenced to death for the murder of a couple in California. It seems that he and his wife, Jennifer, lured a couple onto a yacht, tied them to an anchor and threw them overboard.

Ahhh, nothing says commitment like committing murder together.

Note: He only had a bit part on ONE episode but the internet is going crazy with the Power Ranger Murder headline. Too bad it wasn't the Red Power Ranger. He was a dick.

So, in closing, we invite Mel and Hulk to our site. You're welcome here. We feel for ya.

But not you Skylar. Killing people isn't cool. Plus, you tried to cut your penis off in jail. WTF? I don't care how bad things get. Who does that?

Rappers and Hip-Hop Celebrities Suck!

2009-04-09T05:49:00.001-05:00

So I'm watching the tube tonight and I'm assaulted by the stupidity and lack of talent by Flo-Ri-Duh on American Idol. What a terrible performance. The dorkiest of contestants have more talent than this poser.

First off, for those of you who are already dismissing my opinion because you think rap is cool, fuck off. I know I'm not cool. I watch American Idol, collect Star Wars shit, play D&D and blog about shit that doesn't matter. Also, thinking your cool is the first sign that you are not.

But I digress. So Flo-Ri-Duh sounded terrible. He had to have some chick sing every other verse and he had to have the typical posse guy on stage backing his ass up with the "lyrics" and the usual "yeah" "yeah". Tripe.

Wake up America. Why do you eat this up?

Holy shit. Why hasn't this crap ran its course yet? I remember in the 80's when this shit started emerging thinking to myself "10 years, it'll be gone and people will come to their senses. Like disco." Then Hip Hop creeps in its ugly head...fuck. I hate that most of that shit too.

Here it is 20 years later and the fucking shit is thriving.

Damn it. I hate being wrong.

So back to the ever-talented Flo-Ri-Duh. Stay in the studio mother fucker. Stay where they can remix and filter your ass. While your at, why don't you find some other songs from 20 years ago and put your own magic touch to it. So many of these dickheads like raping the '80s and early '90s of their music. I hope the guys from Dead or Alive are getting paid for you taking their song and bastardizing it. While we're at it I wish they would come up with their own material (better yet, no material). This means you P-Douchey. Sure Sting was cool about raping "Roxanne". That doesn't make it alright. Sting, you dumb-fuck.

Don't even get me started on that "genius" Kanye West. I wish the judges on Idol were present during that guys performance a month a so ago. Yet again, Terrible. Did anyone notice that they got rid of the judges during his performance? They don't do that for everyone. Kanye probably didn't want America to see Simon wincing at the performance. It should be mandatory for every guest performer to go through the judges' critiquing when they appear.

Wake up America! Quit buying this bullshit. Don't give them any more money. I don't want to see another one of these no-talent fucks on another episode of Cribs. What I DO want to see is "Cribs: Where are they now?" It will be an episode showing all of the rappers and hip-hoppers who once flaunted their wealth and material possessions slumming it out in their mom's basement (because they don't know their daddy's, yeah, I said it).

Let them all go the way of MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice!

A Love Letter to the Octo-Mom

2009-03-29T19:19:00.001-05:00

For the first time in WRA history we have a Celebrity E-vite FROM one celebrity to another.

Dearest Nadya,

Let's be honest with each other. You need a man who can handle your eight new kids. Who better than a man with tentacles?

You never have to worry about your kids again. I'll take care of them and put them to work. What fine Henchlings they will be!

Also, did I mention I'm a doctor? What woman doesn't want a doctor? I can perform your collagen implants and plastic surgery myself.

The paparazzi that is constantly hounding you? No need to worry about them. I'll just impale and toss the entire crowd and send them away screaming. (Especially that Peter Parker snot from the Daily Bugle.)

And when the day is done we can retire back to my hidden lair where I can please you in ways you've never dreamed of.

Did I mention I have tentacles?

WITH attachments.

Ever since my accident years ago in the lab I've turned myself into an oddity. A freak.

I did this to myself, you brought this on your own.

You are as self-absorbed as any supervillain.

We are a perfect match!

Call me!

Dr. Otto Octavius

Al Sharpton - Cartoon Hater

2009-02-21T21:42:00.006-06:00

While the smoke still floated from Sean Delonas' pen I doubt he thought that he had created such a controversial illustration. I also doubt that when the Washington Post ran the cartoon, they really thought that people would draw the conclusion that the chimp was our president. I also doubt that people equate black people with chimpanzees, or if they do, I doubt that anyone takes them seriously.

But there was one guy who drew these conclusions for us and threw his hands into the sky and thanked Jesus for another opportunity to grab TV time and get his bad afro-mullet ass in the papers, AL SHARPTON.

So we here at WeAreAssholes.com want to invite you Reverend Sharpton to join the other celebrity assholes at the biggest rally of them all, the AMERICA THINKS YOUR ARE FUCKING RETARDED march. Its happening right now as we consider the ridiculousness of your position on this cartoon, how by throwing a big shit-fit over it that you just confirm a dangerous stereotype that I am sure you wish would die, you know the one; the ALL RELIGIOUS LEADERS ARE FULL OF SHIT stereotype. Thanks though, every little bit of confirmation helps the cause.

By the way did it ever occur to you and the other douche bags that you gathered in New York and had sign a petition to demand advertisers stop using the Post that you are jeopardizing the jobs of 2600 people during one of the worst economies in 30 years? Probably not, because since you live off the tit of the stupid; the money you steal from the idiots in your flock, prevents you from directly experiencing the fear of job loss.

At any point in your screaming and yelling over the cartoon did you think that you are preventing all of us from forgetting and moving on from racism, segregation and stereotypes? Probably not because that would mean that you actually think ahead and that you are capable of giving a damn about people over your need for TV time.

Al Sharpton EAT SHIT!

With All Due Respect,
The Chief

Not Quite an Invite - Kissing Cooking

2009-02-19T06:47:00.003-06:00

Ok this may not be specifically an invitation to a celeb, but we have to admit it's right in there. Tell us what you think about this email we received this week.

Dear WeAreAssholes,

This will probably be my one and only visit to your site, though I suspect my younger siblings will enjoy it. Anyway, I’m a cook at a restaurant that’s not in Hollywood proper, but just outside the city limits. Let’s put it this way, it’s close enough that celebs frequent our eclectic bistro fairly regularly. While I know it’s against all basic rules of good conduct (and probably health code violations too), you’re site seemed the right place to spell out one of my questionable activities.

If I know I’m cooking for a celeb at a particular table, and only those celebs that are of particular beauty, I will do something like the following:
If Jolie were to order a Mediterranean Wrap for example, I’d likely touch my lips, just briefly to the tortilla, with the thought that my lips will basically be touching hers in a matter of moments. The excitement that brings to me is incredible. While I can’t watch the patron from my position in the kitchen, just imagining the action is good enough for me. Maybe I should say right here that I’ve never taken a leak into someone’s soup (as Pitt did in Fight Club), nor anything else that would involve a bodily fluid. But lip-touching the various orders of the super-chic is exhilarating to me.

-The Kissing Cook

Christian Bale- We Invite You

2009-02-11T17:44:00.002-06:00

Christian Bale,

We hereby invite you to be our Celebrity Asshole of the Month!

All we ask is for a few key words on the topic of your choice. We have absolutely no lights that could distract our attention away from you, and we’re far too lazy to go strolling around in your business. Tell us how you transitioned so nicely for example, from your once-nominated TV role in A Murder of Quality, to your extraordinary voice work in Pocahontas. We keep telling people you’re so much more than Bruce Wayne, but as you know too well, the assholes here in America just don’t listen. They are content holding their superheroes in a god-like regard (which is so unfair to the larger complexities of split personalities like yourself).

http://www.aolcdn.com/tmz_audio/020209_christianbale.mp3

Join us please, if only for a few moments.
-Champagne

Heath Ledger - Dead Guys Don't Win Awards

2008-12-11T23:54:00.001-06:00

I know this has been blogged to death, but really why the hell does Hollywood feel the need to pat itself on the back with a dead guys hand? What kind of fucked up bunch of assholes award someone who has the world by the ass... or at least could have it by the ass... that kills themselves. Oh wait I know, Hollywood and radical Islam. Yep, I said it. The latter of course promises wealth; fame and virgins once you’ve bought into the whole line of bullshit...actually that could apply to former as well.

Honestly, I think the nomination is Hollywood taking one more opportunity to pretend that they are human and show each other how well they can act like they care. People face it, they don’t give a fuck about Heath Ledger or his kid or his family; they just want all of you to pay attention. It worked with Batman (read Dark Knight for your comic dorks), so it should work with this worthless waste of airtime as well.

Sorry but I don’t have any sympathy for Heath Ledger or anyone that kills themselves. It’s a selfish and shitty thing to do to your family and anyone whoever gave a fuck about your sorry ass. Especially jackoffs in Hollywood; when they have the absolute best life possible. And don’t tell me that fame is difficult and that the tabloids take away their privacy because NO ONE MADE THEM DO IT! It was a fucking choice and one with outrageous over-compensation. Nothing is free assholes and if you don’t like the price, don’t buy the latte!

Maybe we will get lucky and ol’Heath will inspire some other worthless assholes to “end it all”, like... like... well you’ll just have to check out our upcoming list of ASSHOLES THAT NEED TO DIE.

The Chief

The Comparison to the Three Stooges Is Too Easy

2008-12-10T23:03:00.002-06:00

This first Celebrity Asshole e-Vite is a group invitation to the CEOs of the GM, Ford and Chrysler. Weareassholes.com invite these three assholes to keep doing what they do best, being out of touch, overpaid, under-endowed, corporate fucktards. Thanks guys, the last few weeks of watching you beg for money you don’t deserve so that you can take your million dollar bonuses and fly home on your private jets to oversee the building of some of the biggest embarrassments to American ingenuity, style and craftsmanship made on this planet in the last 30 years has been very entertaining. I can’t stand most of the congressional leadership, especially that guy with the lips, but it’s really fun seeing them look at you like you have shit on the end of your noses. Great Jobs!

Thanks!

The Chief