And the IgNobel Goes To....

A Big gelignite Packed

e-vite to

alfred bernhard nobel

As most of you out there know, celebrities do so little for me that I’d gladly take a beating with a rusted tire-iron. So I’ve made the decision to only do e-vites to those that are deceased, or that are soon to be. Ahhh... The cheerful satisfaction of the “Great Equalizer”. She don’t just come to you and me. Even the most plasticine marionette Sony/Fox/MGM can envision, through endless focus groups, age group profiling, Neilson ratings, or mass bombardment of one’s senses; WILL ALL CEASE TO BE. Just shuffle off “This Mortal Coil”. What a reassuring thought!

I thought it would be apropos, considering all of the awards being given out to various human types across the globe, to give a big ‘ole Angry shout out to a man probably quite near the top of the food chain when it comes to being responsible for quite a shit-ton of human misery and carnage. This man is none other than Alfred Nobel...

Mr. Nobel; chemist, engineer, armaments manufacturer, and last but not least inventor of Dynamiteand Gelignite A.K.A blasting gelatin. This fuckers legacy has been the bane of many a poor ‘Hop Sing the rail road builder’ and ‘Stanley the unsuspecting hostage’ types for well over a century now!! Hell!! If it weren’t for Nobel the Mangler, that barrel full of laughs Phineas P. Gage may have gone on to pressing flowers in children's books and waxing poetically on the finer details of Autoregressive Conditional Heteroskedasticity, embeded derivatives, and portfolio separation theorems.

I know of many situations where the use of Dynamite could have been completely avoided, but was also quite inappropriate! The painting of the Sistine Chapel by Leonardo D’Crappio, or the development of the Pan flute and Lyre, or most musical instruments for that matter! Or how about the beginning of a multiple colored sunset who’s light is diffused through Cirrostratus clouds viewed from an isolated beach?! I mean why use that shit for those destructive purposes?? Instead, the inverse of such perversion, ingenuity and careful reasoning, was fully utilized for situations as mellow and loving as: The Peloponnesian Wars. The 100 Years War. The Boer Wars.The Ottoman-Habsburg Wars, The Crusade’s, The Muscovite-Lithuanian wars, The War of Mantuan Succession, The Rum Rebellion, The Arakanese Uprising, The Gurkha War, The Seminole Wars, The Missouri Morman War (although a little more ingenuity and careful reasoning would have been nice on this one), The Sicilian revolution of independence ( they lost that one cause they kept sliding down the hills and couldn’t hold on to their weapons), and of course WW1&WW2, both of which had some of the most loving, caring examples of Human-hood ever seen!

I know, how silly Brady! Well Mr. Nobel, I see through your thinly disguised veil of Altruism! Just ‘cause you feel bad about inventing something that killed a few Injuns, some indentured servants, and quite a few lower class Euro-Sweat rejects; You think giving all your ill-gotten gains at your demise will save your soul... Them’s fightin’ thoughts!! So put up or shut up you dirt-napping Humo-Jerky!! I dare you to respond to this e-vite you soil wasting Necro-Tard!! I bet you don’t even have the gutsssss never mind ‘bout that one. You boney oxygen depleted deadbeat!! Your mortician dresses you funny and you smell like peat!! Where’s you Dynamite Messiah now wrinkle-boy? You couldn’t debate your way out of a wet pine coffin!!

I Don’t expect to hear from you any time soon you Swedish bomb dealer!!

ANgry brady

Buy The Way, I’m still pissed at my last 800+ word treatise being “Misplaced/Electro-mechanically pinched”

Michael Jackoff, Billy Mays, Farrah Fawcett, and lest we forget Ed McMahon

Well, it was suggested I give this Celebrity Asshole e-Vite a whirl... First off, I don't give two shit-smeared, wooden nickels about Celebrities!! Hell, I don't celebrate any of these shitheads! They're bipedal hominids that eat, shit, and fuck the same as you or I! Well, with the exception of Wacko-Jacko. I really am clueless as to why we place so much Goddamn importance in these skin-bags?! Must be something about either wanting your own flea-bitten existence not to suck so much; or that whole Cult-of-Personality thing just really makes so many humans salivate over the news of one of their trips to the grocery store to buy Tampax, or their drunken escapades in the Camoros?!?! Or any other number of moronic reasons capped up inside pusillanimous, cob-web ridden brain boxes! I mean, don't get me wrong, some people are intriguing!! It has been my experience that the vast majority of people I have run across are shit-tons more apt to pique my interest, than someone I've probably never, or will ever meet! Give me the Chromosonally challenged, gapped-toothed, Hay-seeds I had to endure growing up any day! Those Goggle-eyed Fuck-tard's are WAY more interesting to me! I could write a fucking compendium on human frailties and depravity!!

The people I listed in my title are the only Celebrity e-vites I could care to even consider! You know why?! I'm sure you do... THEY'RE ALL FUCKING DEAD!! Probably the only one of them that was truely worth a Tinkers Damn was Ed McMahon! At least he learned how to fly a plane to shoot down Japs and Krauts! Although I think he did neither. And that my friends is stretching it! He did after all host that hideous glut of human pond-scum, Star Wretch! The precursor to all that's foul on the One-Eyed-Brain Destroyer today! So....FUCK HIM TOO!!!

As for the others, well, I didn't know any of them personally. I only have gut reactions when I hear their names ( other than wanting to hurl ). Jacko, Just a stunted child living in a mans body ( quite possibly alien ). Brought on by a "living vicariously through your spawn", domineering, sociopathic, father. Billy Mays, Anybody with that much hutzpah to shuck fucking detergent to unthinking Lilliputians has got to have several thousand screws loose! Hearsay that it may be, I am of the understanding he was a fucking maniacal lunatic, and a control freak! Farrah Fawcett, Charlie's Angels and Bionic Woman!! Need I say more? I guess the fact that she was hanging, in her goofy 70's striped swimsuit, in about every dick-hard young man's bedroom wall or door, is a sad claim to fame also. Just think... "Mom, when I grow up I want 35 gazillion posters of me in my skivvies printed up so young, hormone ridden males can have pretend, 2-d sex with my quivering (soon to be cancerous) anus"

Fuck It!!! No e-Vite responses I'll have to worry about here!!! Scuttled off this Mortal Coil, only to be replaced by the next freak-shows, that we've made, to bite it!! Good riddance!!