Ha Ha! Your Kid's in Jail!!

I hate celebrities. I don't care who you are. I relish in your downfall. There are few exceptions.

This week I'd like to pick on Michael Douglas.
You see, his son, Cameron, was just sentenced to 5 years in prison for dealing Meth and possessing Heroin.

This grabbed my attention a couple of days ago when I was reading the news on my phone and ran across the story entitled "Michael Douglas asks judge for mercy". Hmmm...click!
The story opens with Michael stating that "his family's fame and history of substance abuse helped drive his son into drug addiction and crime" and that "he didn't want to see him break." He also mentions "the pressure of finding your own identity with a famous father."

Boo hoo.
Give me a F-ing break. I love hearing about these privileged pricks who have everything and then turn to drugs and alcohol. I don't want to hear the typical crap about how "well, just because someone has money doesn't mean they don't have problems..."

Bullsh!t.

In most cases, if you have money, you can easily erase 60% of the worries most people have in life off the board. I don't want to hear it.

But I digress. This is Celebretards. Not Planet BS.

So the mandatory sentence for this crime is 10 years. Cameron got 5. That's what fame, money and an influential daddy will get you. I guess there's some justice left in this country.
The judge, U.S. District Judge Richard M. Berman, after getting 37 letters from friends and family whining about how they "believed he has finally bottomed out in terms of his addiction and blah, blah, blah, may be ready to turn his life around" sentenced the 31 year-old stating, "I think this case and this sentencing may well be his last chance to make it." Or, in other words, "Go to Jail. Directly to Jail. Do NOT pass Go and do not collect $200.00."

Did you catch that part that mentions he's 31 years-old?
31.
It's not like he's 18 or even 21.
He's been alive for OVER 3 decades. That's enough time to get your act together. I betcha in those thirty years his dad has forked out some dough to bail that little turd out more than a few times.

So, I did some searching for images of Michael's unfortunate victim of circumstance and this is the most popular picture that comes up: I prefer this one:

What a douchebag. I'm sure he'll be getting more awesome tattoos in the pen.

Fresh Fish!!!

I'm sure Kirk Douglas is rolling over in his gra...what?
Really, he's still alive? Poor bastard.

-Darth

We Are the...WTF?!!?

Did you hear the news?
They are going to redo "We Are The World".
Who are "They?" Some of the same Celebretards from 1985 who recorded the original PLUS some new Celebretards from our present day!
The people behind the original included Quincy Jones, Michael Jackson, Lionel Richie, Bruce Springsteen, Bob Dylan, Billy Joel, Huey Lewis, Cyndi Lauper and Diana Ross. Just to name a few.
Harry Belafonte was the guy who came up with the idea for this POS. We all know what kind of douchebag he's turned into.
Anyway, it's getting remade.
Here's a short list of the "talent" on the new one:
Jamie Foxx, Usher, Lil Wayne, Wyclef Jean, Josh Groban, Will.I.Am, T-Pain, Kanye West, LL Cool J, Snoop Dogg, Busta Rhymes, Barbra Streisand, Carlos Santana, Natalie Cole, BeBe Winans, Harry Connick Jr., Earth, Wind & Fire, Brian Wilson, Tony Bennett, Randy Jackson, Celine Dion, Gladys Knight, Jeff Bridges, Vince Vaughn, Nicole Richie, Rashida Jones, Akon, Brandy, Katharine McPhee and Justin Bieber.
This is going to suck. Even MORE than the original and the original was a total piece of crap. Anyone who thinks back to the original with fond memories is a moron.
Sure, there were a couple good artists in the original lineup but they couldn't save this contrived drivel.
I predict this to be the most obnoxious song of 2010. Anyone who admits to liking this song should be punched in the face. I haven't even heard it and I know it's going to be horrid and you should know it too.
Now, let's review some of the talent on the new one.
First, we've got these utterly terrible "artists" performing that BARELY sing: Jamie Foxx, Lil Wayne (isn't he in jail?), T-Pain, Kanye West? Has T-Pain done anything that isn't Autotoned? Snoop? He's funny. That's it.
Then we have the true Celebretards:
Nicole Richie & Rashida Jones- Why are they there? Because their dads were there for the first one?
Jeff Bridges - He plays a blues singer in his new movie. I get it. But is that reason enough to get involved with this?
VInce Vaughn - WTF? Is he just there to pick up some beautiful babies?
You know what would be awesome. If there was a We Are The World Serial Killer. He would one by one knock off everyone on this list of contributors. Kanye first of course.
OK. So it's for a good cause: Helping out the victims of Haiti. I get it. I'm willing to give money just so this isn't released.


-Darth

Dead Kennedy

So we're all going to hear about what a great civil servant Ted Kennedy was.
Being born in 1969 I've only seen Ted as the bloated, gray haired, booze-swillin' cretin that he's been for the last thirty 30-something years.
I wonder how much the news is going to focus on his years of service, how he's a survivor.

Speaking of 1969. Are they going to cover Chappaquiddick? Mary Jo Kopechne?
Are they going to speak of how he abandoned her in his submerged car that he drove a bridge? How he left her there to die instead of telling the police? How the police didn't find out about the incident until the next day?
Is the media going to mention his expulsion from Harvard for cheating? Public drunkeness?
Hell no. So far the news is focusing on the positive and how long he's served in the Senate.

Is there any justice?

I didn't think so until my teenage son walked in this evening.
I asked him if he wore the shirt he was wearing to school. He said, "Oh, yeah". It was the topic of conversation that day.
Total coincidence. Not planned.
My son wore his Dead Kennedys T-Shirt. One of my favorite bands from the 80's.
Kismet.

The only question I have about Ted's death is: Why couldn't he have died the same day as Michael Jackson?

-Darth

The Great Beer Summit

Photo Op Time!

By now I'm sure everyone knows about the "Beer Summit" between the President, Professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr. and Sgt. James Crowley.

If you haven't heard the story here's the Cliff Notes' version:
On July 23rd, a neighbor called the Cambridge police to report that two black males with backpacks were trying to gain entry into Professor Gates' home.
Cambridge police Sergeant James Crowley and Officer Carlos Figueroa arrived to investigate.
Gates could not provide proper ID to prove that he lived there. Only a ID showing that he was a professor at Harvard.
At some point the professor began yelling at the police officers when asked to step onto the porch, "No. I will not.,"
Then he followed up with such rants as "This is what happens to black men in America!", "ya, I'll speak with your mama outside." and the total asshole line of "You don't know who you're messing with."

To make things worse, Professor Gates is a friend of President Obama.
When asked by the press to comment on the situation, the President replied that he didn't know all of the details but that the Cambridge Police Department acted "stupidly". (Of course, I'm paraphrasing the President. We don't have the room for all the ums... and uhhs...)
Guess what? If you don't know all the facts of the situation...don't comment on it! Especially when you're the President of the United States.

This was not a "black" thing Mr. President. It was a man disobeying the police thing.

It gets better. When more of the facts come out the President speaks to Sergeant Crowley and they decide that the 3 of them should all sit down and have a beer.

Cut to CNN broadcasting almost 2 minutes of nothing but the sound of cameras clicking while these three have a cold one. No audio of them speaking. Probably the biggest news let down since Geraldo accessed Al Capone's vault.

Then again, think of all the free advertising Bud Light, Blue Moon and Red Stripe received.

Red Stripe? Really.

Celebrities: They're Just Like Us (You): Pathetic

As you well know, we assholes hate celebrities.
We have our own page devoted to the douche bags. (A whole site would be a bit of overkill. Plus it would limit our bitching to just Hollywood types.)

I'm in front of my computer looking for inspiration for this week's post and I was coming up with nothing. Writer's block. Shit. (Of course, I use the term "writer" loosely.) At the very moment of me getting ready to hang it up I receive this great email showing how crappy celebrities get with age.

Tons of money and the best trainers, dietitians and plastic surgeons can only do so much. Not everyone can age that well in Hollywood. Exceptions: Tina Turner, Raquel Welch, Dick Clark (Before he had the stroke. We get more hate mail about that video than anything else.)

On with the malignity:

First off, the really easy one: Mickey Rourke. What the fuck happened to this guy? I was flippin' channels the other night and some movie was on with him in it. I had to look up the info on the movie to prove it was him. Holy shit, dude.

Next: Russel Crowe. Does he look that bad? Probably. But really, I have him on the list because he's a pompous asshole, and if there's one thing we hate here it's pompous assholes (that don't write for this site).

Alec Baldwin: If only this guy had the political views of his character on 30 Rock. But no. He has to be the busy-body limosine liberal big mouth douche that he is. Quit eating everything in the green room every time you host SNL.

Richard Gere: Has this guy made a movie that wasn't geared towards women? He's responsible for these pieces of tripe: Pretty Woman, Runaway Bride, Dr. T and the Women, Shall We Dance and Nights in Rodanthe. The only redeeming movie he's done was Primal Fear. All credit for that one goes to Edward Norton anyway.
Come on. Look at the picture. He probably looks so bad because of his anal blockage.
(Couldn't pass up a gerbil reference.)

Do ya think I'm sexy? Did anyone ever? I mean, come on, look at these pics of Rod Stewart. Even the early one with Brit Eckland. Even she looks disgusted. Maybe because of the muskrat trying to peek out of his bikini briefs. Or maybe she was thinking of the time he had to get his stomach pumped. This one was too easy.

Clint Eastwood: Ok. I'm not messing with this guy. He's Clint Fucking Eastwood. He's a bad mother-fucker. He's going to be 70 next year.
Dirty Harry. Philo Beddoe. The Man with No Name. He made us sit through Firefox just so we could see the 15 minutes of the plane at the end. His career survived being costar to a monkey. Twice. That's NEVER a good idea. Just ask Greg Evigan.
I'd be glad just to get to his age let alone be the bad-ass that he is.
He's the only guy who can pull off the lines "Go ahead, make my day." "Right turn, Clyde" and "Get off my lawn."
Anyway, here's the picture. I can't rip on him. Shit.

Don't worry. There'll be more of this.
I now have material to last for, hmmm, I don't know, until I'm 70.
But I'm sure that won't happen.

--- Darth

The King of Pop Is Dead

The King of Pop is gone.

For good this time.

He's been gone for awhile. With exception to the occasional nose sculpture or baby-dangling, where has he been?

He may as well have been gone (dead) for the last 20 years. What has he put out that was half-way decent since Thriller? Bad? I guess it wasn't bad, but it wasn't Thriller. That record seemed to have hits for 5 years after its release.

What would have been best is if he had gone the way of Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix or Kurt Cobain. You know, had a bunch of hits then kicked the bucket. Not live long enough to have shit albums or become a tabloid darling. I'm sure if those three hadn't kicked the bucket they would have just put out some mediocre crap and then faded into obscurity. Especially Cobain. Come on, In Utero was nowhere near as good as Nevermind.

Jacko did outlive Elvis though. Elvis died at age 42. I'm sure he had another comeback in him. Unlike the gloved one. All that was left in MJ was more TMZ & E! fodder. Elvis died on the shitter and we still fucking worship him.

But I digress.

Now we get a full week or two of everyone's opinion on TV of how much of a genius he was. From every moron on the street to every goddamn celebrity looking for a soundbyte.

Of course there'll be that "genius" Kanye spewing about how Jackson gave people like him a chance to be on MTV. Thanks Michael! Or we get to be reminded that Elizabeth Taylor still shuffles about. My generation only knows her as Michael's fag-hag, who's been divorced 27 times.

And how about these "fans" who will be crying in the streets? They'd be crying just as hard for Bernie Mac if he had died and you put a mic in their face.

What? Oh, nevermind.

Nothing will convince me that Michael is really dead. He was big on cryogenics and stuff. He'll show up as a cyborg in a couple years. Shit. He's halfway there. He was 40% plastic already. If he were to come back from the dead or this was one big hoax I will retract this article and start a church in his name. That would be the coolest thing.

So let the circus begin. Let's bring out all the Jackson family freaks and watch them wax poetic about their sibling until all media is saturated with it so that we don't notice the douchebags in North Korea or Iran. Joe Jackson will be crying about how his baby is gone. Meanwhile, behind that demon face of his, he's regretting not beating that one enough. Take a look, he's an evil mother-fucker. ILM couldn't make a scarier mask. How'd he outlive Michael? WTF?

In all seriousness, it is sad that he died. I grew up mezmerized when I saw him do the moonwalk the first time. I was glued to the TV when the video for Thriller premiered. I'm just not going to START missing the guy NOW. He's been long gone for awhile.

Tito, hand me a tissue.

Future Divorcés

Alright. We have a number of Celebrity Asshole E-vites this week.

First up, Mel Gibson

Wow. Perhaps the biggest celebrity news of the week. Mel and his wife of 28 years, Robyn Moore, are getting divorced.

Thanks to the laws in California she's going to walk with $500 million. Half of what Mel is worth. This could be the richest celebrity divorce yet.

Check out the pic. Does it look like her vagina would have teeth?

$500 million to get away from that? Good call, Mel!

Gotta side with Seargent Martin Riggs, William Wallace and Mad Max.

 

Speaking of celebrity divorces, how can we not bring up Hulk Hogan?



Hulkamania is running wild since he made the following comment: "I could've turned everything into a crime scene, like O.J., cutting everybody's throat," "You see a 19 year old boy driving your Escalade, sleeping in your bed, with your wife. I mean, I totally understand O.J."

People are going nuts over this. 

Please. A little patience for the Hulkster. It's one thing to actually kill your wife. But to think it out loud? Come on guys, who hasn't fantasized about killing their ex-wife? Every guy out there who's divorced, paying outrageous child support, had their friends driven away, can only see your kids when it works out for her, etc. Raise your fucking hands! 

Can't blame the guy for THINKING it. Saying it though, to the press? Not wise Hulk.

 

Now, both of these guys could learn some things from former Power Rangers star Skylar Deleon. If you haven't heard, this guy just got sentenced to death for the murder of a couple in California. It seems that he and his wife, Jennifer, lured a couple onto a yacht, tied them to an anchor and threw them overboard. 

Ahhh, nothing says commitment like committing murder together.

Note: He only had a bit part on ONE episode but the internet is going crazy with the Power Ranger Murder headline. Too bad it wasn't the Red Power Ranger. He was a dick.

 

So, in closing, we invite Mel and Hulk to our site. You're welcome here. We feel for ya.

But not you Skylar. Killing people isn't cool. Plus, you tried to cut your penis off in jail. WTF? I don't care how bad things get. Who does that?

Rappers and Hip-Hop Celebrities Suck!

So I'm watching the tube tonight and I'm assaulted by the stupidity and lack of talent by Flo-Ri-Duh on American Idol. What a terrible performance. The dorkiest of contestants have more talent than this poser.

First off, for those of you who are already dismissing my opinion because you think rap is cool, fuck off. I know I'm not cool. I watch American Idol, collect Star Wars shit, play D&D and blog about shit that doesn't matter. Also, thinking your cool is the first sign that you are not.

But I digress. So Flo-Ri-Duh sounded terrible. He had to have some chick sing every other verse and he had to have the typical posse guy on stage backing his ass up with the "lyrics" and the usual "yeah" "yeah". Tripe.

Wake up America. Why do you eat this up?

Holy shit. Why hasn't this crap ran its course yet? I remember in the 80's when this shit started emerging thinking to myself "10 years, it'll be gone and people will come to their senses. Like disco." Then Hip Hop  creeps in its ugly head...fuck. I hate that most of that shit too.

Here it is 20 years later and the fucking shit is thriving.

Damn it. I hate being wrong.

So back to the ever-talented Flo-Ri-Duh. Stay in the studio mother fucker. Stay where they can remix and filter your ass. While your at, why don't you find some other songs from 20 years ago and put your own magic touch to it. So many of these dickheads like raping the '80s and early '90s of their music. I hope the guys from Dead or Alive are getting paid for you taking their song and bastardizing it. While we're at it I wish they would come up with their own material (better yet, no material). This means you P-Douchey. Sure Sting was cool about raping "Roxanne". That doesn't make it alright. Sting, you dumb-fuck.



Don't even get me started on that "genius" Kanye West. I wish the judges on Idol were present during that guys performance a month a so ago. Yet again, Terrible. Did anyone notice that they got rid of the judges during his performance? They don't do that for everyone. Kanye probably didn't want America to see Simon wincing at the performance. It should be mandatory for every guest performer to go through the judges' critiquing when they appear.

Wake up America! Quit buying this bullshit. Don't give them any more money. I don't want to see another one of these no-talent fucks on another episode of Cribs. What I DO want to see is "Cribs: Where are they now?" It will be an episode showing all of the rappers and hip-hoppers who once flaunted their wealth and material possessions slumming it out in their mom's basement (because they don't know their daddy's, yeah, I said it).

Let them all go the way of MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice!

A Love Letter to the Octo-Mom

For the first time in WRA history we have a Celebrity E-vite FROM one celebrity to another.

Dearest Nadya,

Let's be honest with each other. You need a man who can handle your eight new kids. Who better than a man with tentacles?

You never have to worry about your kids again. I'll take care of them and put them to work. What fine Henchlings they will be!

Also, did I mention I'm a doctor? What woman doesn't want a doctor? I can perform your collagen implants and plastic surgery myself.

The paparazzi that is constantly hounding you? No need to worry about them. I'll just impale and toss the entire crowd and send them away screaming. (Especially that Peter Parker snot from the Daily Bugle.)

And when the day is done we can retire back to my hidden lair where I can please you in ways you've never dreamed of.

Did I mention I have tentacles?

WITH attachments.

Ever since my accident years ago in the lab I've turned myself into an oddity. A freak.

I did this to myself, you brought this on your own.

You are as self-absorbed as any supervillain.

We are a perfect match!

 

Call me!

Dr. Otto Octavius