Ha Ha! Your Kid's in Jail!!

I hate celebrities. I don't care who you are. I relish in your downfall. There are few exceptions.

This week I'd like to pick on Michael Douglas.
You see, his son, Cameron, was just sentenced to 5 years in prison for dealing Meth and possessing Heroin.

This grabbed my attention a couple of days ago when I was reading the news on my phone and ran across the story entitled "Michael Douglas asks judge for mercy". Hmmm...click!
The story opens with Michael stating that "his family's fame and history of substance abuse helped drive his son into drug addiction and crime" and that "he didn't want to see him break." He also mentions "the pressure of finding your own identity with a famous father."

Boo hoo.
Give me a F-ing break. I love hearing about these privileged pricks who have everything and then turn to drugs and alcohol. I don't want to hear the typical crap about how "well, just because someone has money doesn't mean they don't have problems..."

Bullsh!t.

In most cases, if you have money, you can easily erase 60% of the worries most people have in life off the board. I don't want to hear it.

But I digress. This is Celebretards. Not Planet BS.

So the mandatory sentence for this crime is 10 years. Cameron got 5. That's what fame, money and an influential daddy will get you. I guess there's some justice left in this country.
The judge, U.S. District Judge Richard M. Berman, after getting 37 letters from friends and family whining about how they "believed he has finally bottomed out in terms of his addiction and blah, blah, blah, may be ready to turn his life around" sentenced the 31 year-old stating, "I think this case and this sentencing may well be his last chance to make it." Or, in other words, "Go to Jail. Directly to Jail. Do NOT pass Go and do not collect $200.00."

Did you catch that part that mentions he's 31 years-old?
31.
It's not like he's 18 or even 21.
He's been alive for OVER 3 decades. That's enough time to get your act together. I betcha in those thirty years his dad has forked out some dough to bail that little turd out more than a few times.

So, I did some searching for images of Michael's unfortunate victim of circumstance and this is the most popular picture that comes up: I prefer this one:

What a douchebag. I'm sure he'll be getting more awesome tattoos in the pen.

Fresh Fish!!!

I'm sure Kirk Douglas is rolling over in his gra...what?
Really, he's still alive? Poor bastard.

-Darth

Tiger Woods - 2nd Candidate for Biggest Idiot of 2010

He Doesn't Look That Sorry.


"Many of you in the room are my friends. Many of you in this room know me. Many of you have cheered for me, or worked with me, or supported me, and now, every one of you has good reason to be critical of me." Now could one of you get me a fucking glass of water and a Valium?

Tiger tried very hard to pull this pathetic mea culpa off, but to me and I think to thousands of people that quite frankly aren't fucking idiots, he came off poorly prepared, sticky-mouthed and sounding a bit desperate. It seemed like he was reading the speech for the first time, and his delivery made me question whether he was ever properly educated. He sounded a bit like a third grader reading a report in front of the class for the first time. Granted he was reading an apology for screwing a couple dozen women behind his wife's back, but still you'd think his people would have rehearsed him a bit.

I am nominating Tiger for Biggest Idiot for 2010 not because he fucked around on his wife, to the contrary, I am not at all offended by his infidelity. I can't say I am at all surprised or concerned. His wife should not be surprised either, and I bet if you got her alone she'd confess the same. As a matter of fact, I bet you can't find more than a handful of professional athletes that aren't screwing everything that walks by, its part and parcel with fame. I'm not saying its right though, for me cheating is about is shitty a thing a person can do. If you want to fuck other people don't get married. If you get married and realize you want to fuck other people, either tell your spouse that you want to fuck other people and deal with the consequences, join Ashely Madison or start whacking to internet porn like everyone else.

I am nominating Tiger for Biggest Idiot for 2010 because of this apology and its shear lame-itude. Who wrote this babbling crap? Why aren't his people teaching him how to speak in front of camera? Why is he allowing himself to be further humiliated by this witch-hunt? Does he need the money? Doubt it, in 2009 his earnings were estimated at a cool $1 billion. Does he really think that his arctic queen Eilin is going stay with him after this embarrassment and not take him for hundreds of millions of dollars? He couldn't be that stupid, or could he? He is trying to tell us with cotton-mouth that he feels really bad after screwing around with about 20 different women while saying that he knew it was wrong, all the while looking around the room like a rat. He then tell us that he is a sex addict and that he was receiving inpatient therapy. Come on, inpatient therapy? Give me a break, what did they do make you watch porn with your hands tied to the bed all day, or show you those pictures of really obese women that you see in birthday cards? No one is buying the addiction angle, unless they're addicts themselves. Addicts think we are all addicts.

Another reason Tiger is getting this nomination is that he poorly played the religion card. If he really wanted to turn this thing around quickly and get Fox News and all the other zealots behind him instead of calling for his head (on the same phones they call their drug dealers with, right Rush?) he should have said something like, "And in this time of great personal struggle, voice called to me in the night and it was Jesus. Jesus told me that he loved me and that everything would now be alright and I knew it would because Jesus has forgiven me."

But no! Tigger (spelling intended) totally fucks this opportunity up by reminding everyone that he's a Buddhist. Really stupid Tiger, because what you and all those dipshits writing your speeches seemed to have missed is that all the people that are coming down on you now are Christians. The rest of us don't give a shit about your sexual transgressions. All the idiots that watch you on the course and tell their kids that they should look up to you like a nine iron wielding black Jesus are Christians.

One thing Christians don't like is other religions, especially ones that don't require a bunch of guilt or begin for forgiveness.

So here is our 2nd nominee, Tiger Woods. May he continue to wiggle like a worm so we have more shit to write about.

With all due respect,
The Chief

We Are the...WTF?!!?

Did you hear the news?
They are going to redo "We Are The World".
Who are "They?" Some of the same Celebretards from 1985 who recorded the original PLUS some new Celebretards from our present day!
The people behind the original included Quincy Jones, Michael Jackson, Lionel Richie, Bruce Springsteen, Bob Dylan, Billy Joel, Huey Lewis, Cyndi Lauper and Diana Ross. Just to name a few.
Harry Belafonte was the guy who came up with the idea for this POS. We all know what kind of douchebag he's turned into.
Anyway, it's getting remade.
Here's a short list of the "talent" on the new one:
Jamie Foxx, Usher, Lil Wayne, Wyclef Jean, Josh Groban, Will.I.Am, T-Pain, Kanye West, LL Cool J, Snoop Dogg, Busta Rhymes, Barbra Streisand, Carlos Santana, Natalie Cole, BeBe Winans, Harry Connick Jr., Earth, Wind & Fire, Brian Wilson, Tony Bennett, Randy Jackson, Celine Dion, Gladys Knight, Jeff Bridges, Vince Vaughn, Nicole Richie, Rashida Jones, Akon, Brandy, Katharine McPhee and Justin Bieber.
This is going to suck. Even MORE than the original and the original was a total piece of crap. Anyone who thinks back to the original with fond memories is a moron.
Sure, there were a couple good artists in the original lineup but they couldn't save this contrived drivel.
I predict this to be the most obnoxious song of 2010. Anyone who admits to liking this song should be punched in the face. I haven't even heard it and I know it's going to be horrid and you should know it too.
Now, let's review some of the talent on the new one.
First, we've got these utterly terrible "artists" performing that BARELY sing: Jamie Foxx, Lil Wayne (isn't he in jail?), T-Pain, Kanye West? Has T-Pain done anything that isn't Autotoned? Snoop? He's funny. That's it.
Then we have the true Celebretards:
Nicole Richie & Rashida Jones- Why are they there? Because their dads were there for the first one?
Jeff Bridges - He plays a blues singer in his new movie. I get it. But is that reason enough to get involved with this?
VInce Vaughn - WTF? Is he just there to pick up some beautiful babies?
You know what would be awesome. If there was a We Are The World Serial Killer. He would one by one knock off everyone on this list of contributors. Kanye first of course.
OK. So it's for a good cause: Helping out the victims of Haiti. I get it. I'm willing to give money just so this isn't released.


-Darth

Pat Robertson - 1st Candidate for Biggest Idiot of 2010

If you are not familiar with Pat Robertson, please let me introduce him. Pat is the head of the Christian Broadcasting Network and the creator of the 700 Club. You know the 700 Club, the scary christian propaganda machine that brought us Jim and Tammy Fae Baker.

Pat also created the CBN News, which as Darth pointed out to me is ridiculous in that the news is supposed to be unbiased.

Funny,right? Unbiased news. Unbiased as in Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, Bill O'Reilly unbiased. Sorry, but unbiased news is about as real as Santa, virgin births and clean politicians. No such thing.

Pat has a history of making wonderfully stupid statements during the weekly addresses to his flock. Time Magazine has created a list of the Greatest Pat Robertson gaffes, so I won't recreate it here, but I want to point out the two that I am most fond of.

In 2005 good old Pat said that god allowed and caused hurricane Katrina to kill nearly 2500 people and decimate New Orleans as punishment for allowing a Supreme Court Justice nominee (John Roberts) who promised to uphold Roe v. Wade to be appointed to the highest court in the Land.

He said god punished the United States for supporting the right to choose and killed 2500 people to prove his point. Nice.

In 1992, Iowa was voting on an equal rights amendment (the last state in the Union to do so) and Patty pleaded with Iowans to ban together to stop the vote saying that he would do anything in his power to rid this country of women's equality. He went as far as a public plea on the 700 Club to ask people to donate money to an organization against the movement, the "Stop ERA" group. He penned a letter to supporters saying that feminist movement was "a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."

I wonder if people remember the things he has said and done. I don't think so.

That's why I'm writing this.

You gotta love a f*cking nut! However this time he has really gone way off the deep end. This time he has mocked the tragic death of thousands and thousands of people in the name of BULLSHIT religion.

On January 13th, 2010 this lunatic said, "[The Haitians] were under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon III, or whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you'll get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it's a deal [...] ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after the other."

He goes on to add that the earthquake is just one of many retributive actions by his god against Haiti for their satanic contract.

I am all for First Amendment rights and would never sanction censorship or punitive action against someone for making a public statement that I didn't agree with, but SOMEONE NEEDS TO KICK HIS ASS.

The scary thing is that people actually believe and follow his bullshit. People you know, be sure of it. These are dangerous mother f*ckers.

They are just like the Taliban in Afghanistan, make no mistake. The Religious Right, the Southern Baptist and and the Evangelicals are no different in its intolerance, ignorance, fanaticism or oppression than the pricks our men and women in uniform are trying to root out of the mountains in Central Asia. They only differ in that they are Americans, who are too lazy and comfortable to do anything crazy like blow themselves up, at least not yet.

Don't be fooled though, these groups are full of nuts and horrors like the Oklahoma City bombing could happen again. These American Talibani feel their grip on this country slipping away eventually one of them will do something stupid.

Don't misunderstand me though; I don't think that conservatives are crazy and I don't hate Republicans, I just don't like religious zealots and hate-mongers like Robertson. Religion is a bad thing. If you don't believe me, look around you and tell me which conflicts that we are in right now don't have a basis in religion. Or take a perusal through your world history book and count the number of wars that have been waged in the name of some f*cking god or another.

BTW: Before anyone sends me an email to correct my mis-capitalization of "god" and "satan", don't bother. Its deliberate.

With all due respect,
The Chief

Big F-cking Shock - Mark McGwire Took Steroids

Really.

No shit.

I had no idea, I mean, his Popeye arms and Conan jaw never tipped me off.

First, I don't get why Major League Baseball and the FDA feel the need to regulate steroid use. Who cares? If I want to inject shit into my body that makes me big but also makes my nuts shrink and my hair fall out, why stop me. Besides baseball is entertainment, its nothing more. And as you know, entertainers all do drugs.

Shut up. Whoever you just thought of and said, "So and So doesn't do drugs..." does drugs. It may not be heroine or LSD, but I guarantee you they smoke pot to unwind or do some kind of stimulant to keep up their energy on tour or drink to excess after a show or game.

They all do drugs, but for once the drug Mark McGwire was doing actually enhanced his performance. Even I, as a dyed in the wool baseball HATER, thought he was kick ass. And make no mistake, he would have been just another big, goofing look player with bad acne scars had he not hit the bovine growth hormone.

Fortunately, I did not watch his interview wherein he confesses to steroid use. It would have just been time wasted. I didn't need the admission, I don't think anyone did. I surely didn't need to see the clip on this mornings news in which his voice cracks and his lip quivers. I don't give two rats asses about Mark McGwire, but I definitely don't need to see him pretend to cry and ask to be forgiven.

The American baseball fans need to ask themselves a few questions; Didn't you enjoy watching him hit number 63, Didn't he do it for your benefit and Is he really sorry. My guess is their answers will be yes, yes, and no.

With all due respect,
The Chief

Tiger Woods, Brit Hume and Why Christians Get Off the Hook

Tiger Woods. You know the name right? Possibly the greatest golfer to ever play the game, at least the most celebrated. Even if you don't follow golf though I'm sure you also by now you have read that Tiger is a major poon hound. At last count, he has cheated on his wife with 16 women, some of whom he has maintained relationships with for years.

Not bad for a funny looking dude with a stupid name that looks like a cross between Webster and Alvin the Chipmunk.

Adultery is bad. Especially when you are a major repeat offender, but I don't recall ever hearing that Tiger was beating up his wife, or his kids or his girlfriends. I also don't remember reading that he was a drug addict or that he has sexually harassed anyone, like say RUSH LIMBAUGH OR BILL O'REILLY. Actually it would appear that the ladies like Tiger's wood.

It occurs to me that the only crimes that Tiger has committed are trying to be too squeaky clean and not being a Christian. At least that is my interpretion of the bullshit that Brit Hume spewed on Fox News a few days ago when asked if he thought Tiger would emerge from all the controversy.

In case you missed it here's the clip, wherein Brit says "He's said to be a Buddhist. I don't think that faith offers the kind of forgiveness and redemption that is offered by the Christian faith. So my message to Tiger would be, 'Tiger, turn to the Christian faith and you can make a total recovery and be a great example to the world.'"





Its interesting that Brit Hume feels that once Tiger is forgiven and redeemed by Jesus that all the pain and embarrassment he has caused his wife and family vanish.

That is what I love about Christians, you can do f-ing anything and as long as you say your sorry to Jesus its OK. No problem. Kill some guy and steal his car? "I'm sorry Jesus," and its over like it didn't even happen. They sell out their whole concept of punishment and reward by saying that if you do something really bad but you're sorry, you won't have to go to hell. You still get into heaven, because you're sorry.
Reminds me of an old Steve Martin bit where he says that there are two words in the English language that can relieve you of any responsibility for anything you may ever do, "I forgot." As in "I forgot armed robbery was illegal, or I forgot to pay my taxes." I don't think Steve meant it and I doubt if Jesus did either.

I bet if you ask his wife, she'd probably not just forget the whole thing as long as Jesus said it was OK with him. You see the problem is that Elin and Tiger and you and I and Brit Hume and all the miserable prols you see everyday, we all live in the real world and even if you say your sorry to someone that you can't see, all the stupid shit you did was still done and the results are real, tangible and irreversible. All the "I'm sorry"'s and Hail Marys do not change the fact that you screwed up and real people with real live have to deal with it.

Once humanity gets passed deities and demigods and accepts the fact the we are all stewards of our own lives and that in order to be happy we have to NOT take happiness away from other or they will do it to us idiots like Brit and Rush will not just get away with it because they kneel at the right alter.


With all due respect,
The Chief

Media Whores - Reality TV Wannabes

Just when I thought we had enough media time wasted on Richard Heene, he has been out done.

On a Presidential Scale.

Let me introduce to you, in case you just pulled your head from the sand, the Salahis, Tareq and Michelle as seen here during the Matt Lauer interview today.





These f!cking idiots would have us believe that they are the victims in this mess. They are trying to create a backstory wherein they were mislead to believe they were invited. These poor people are being railroaded by the White House. 

Bullshit!

If they had been invited, the Secret Service would have squashed this story immediately or Michelle Jones from the Pentagon would have never made they comment that she never told them they were invited.

But lets not judge the Salahis on this incident alone, but lets look at their history.

1) First and I think foremost, they wanted to be paid for their story. They didn't get paid by NBC, but I believe that they did the NBC interview at the direction of their legal council. I have a feeling they are in deeper shit then they thought they'd be and were told to get their sob story out before its too late.

2) They are also accused of crashing another political dinner just this past September. The Congressional Black Caucus Foundation spokesperson Muriel Cooper, confirmed that the Salahis were escorted out of a foundation dinner on 9/26. The couple was sitting at a $20,000-per-table section at the event where Obama was the keynote speaker. When the guests that actually paid complained that someone was in their seats, the Salahis were asked to show their tickets. They were asked to leave when they couldn't produce them. Security at the event escorted them out of the building. Very douchey.

3) The Salahis have been accused of running a fake charity as well. The Virginia State Attorney General reported  to Alex Bogdonovich of The Fauquier Times-Democrat in May 2009 that the Salahis’ charitable organization, Journey for a Cure, was not registered with the State Corporation Commission and warned givers that the State “could not be assured that funds were being spent for charitable purposes".

4) To top it all off, Michelle Salahi like our beloved Richard Heene, is a hopeful for a reality TV show. She is being considered for Bravo's upcoming "Real Housewives of Washington DC". Bravo has confirmed that they were actually taping the Salahis that day but will not comment on whether or not they got any footage inside the State Dinner. 

Now what does this all mean for the Salahis, the Secret Service and the President? 

Well my guess is that the Salahis will wear out their 15 minutes, she won't be on Bravo and their businesses will all suffer as a result of the publicity and the time and money they will spend defending themselves in the impending federal investigation. 

The Secret Service will fire lots of people, blame one guy and figure they got lucky with just some cheesy photo-ops and news coverage. 

The President will go on about his life just like he has these last 200 something days, with the feeling that someone is always trying to get to him and that he needs to keep any eye out for nut jobs.

As for Richard Heene, well to update you he and his wife have pled guilty to felony and misdemeanor charges for concocting their little hoax back in October. Its likely, per the prosecutors, that they will serve some jail time and the fines will be in the $30,000-$50,000 range. His wife, Mayuki Heene is a japanese citizen and faces possibly deportation for a felony conviction. They Heene's attorneys will no doubt avoid that due to the concern both the Heenes and the prosecutors have for the Heene's kids, which is ironic when you think about the fact that all their trouble was because they pretended to loose their son in balloon.

Dipshits.

With all due respect,
The Chief