Tiger Woods - 2nd Candidate for Biggest Idiot of 2010

He Doesn't Look That Sorry.


"Many of you in the room are my friends. Many of you in this room know me. Many of you have cheered for me, or worked with me, or supported me, and now, every one of you has good reason to be critical of me." Now could one of you get me a fucking glass of water and a Valium?

Tiger tried very hard to pull this pathetic mea culpa off, but to me and I think to thousands of people that quite frankly aren't fucking idiots, he came off poorly prepared, sticky-mouthed and sounding a bit desperate. It seemed like he was reading the speech for the first time, and his delivery made me question whether he was ever properly educated. He sounded a bit like a third grader reading a report in front of the class for the first time. Granted he was reading an apology for screwing a couple dozen women behind his wife's back, but still you'd think his people would have rehearsed him a bit.

I am nominating Tiger for Biggest Idiot for 2010 not because he fucked around on his wife, to the contrary, I am not at all offended by his infidelity. I can't say I am at all surprised or concerned. His wife should not be surprised either, and I bet if you got her alone she'd confess the same. As a matter of fact, I bet you can't find more than a handful of professional athletes that aren't screwing everything that walks by, its part and parcel with fame. I'm not saying its right though, for me cheating is about is shitty a thing a person can do. If you want to fuck other people don't get married. If you get married and realize you want to fuck other people, either tell your spouse that you want to fuck other people and deal with the consequences, join Ashely Madison or start whacking to internet porn like everyone else.

I am nominating Tiger for Biggest Idiot for 2010 because of this apology and its shear lame-itude. Who wrote this babbling crap? Why aren't his people teaching him how to speak in front of camera? Why is he allowing himself to be further humiliated by this witch-hunt? Does he need the money? Doubt it, in 2009 his earnings were estimated at a cool $1 billion. Does he really think that his arctic queen Eilin is going stay with him after this embarrassment and not take him for hundreds of millions of dollars? He couldn't be that stupid, or could he? He is trying to tell us with cotton-mouth that he feels really bad after screwing around with about 20 different women while saying that he knew it was wrong, all the while looking around the room like a rat. He then tell us that he is a sex addict and that he was receiving inpatient therapy. Come on, inpatient therapy? Give me a break, what did they do make you watch porn with your hands tied to the bed all day, or show you those pictures of really obese women that you see in birthday cards? No one is buying the addiction angle, unless they're addicts themselves. Addicts think we are all addicts.

Another reason Tiger is getting this nomination is that he poorly played the religion card. If he really wanted to turn this thing around quickly and get Fox News and all the other zealots behind him instead of calling for his head (on the same phones they call their drug dealers with, right Rush?) he should have said something like, "And in this time of great personal struggle, voice called to me in the night and it was Jesus. Jesus told me that he loved me and that everything would now be alright and I knew it would because Jesus has forgiven me."

But no! Tigger (spelling intended) totally fucks this opportunity up by reminding everyone that he's a Buddhist. Really stupid Tiger, because what you and all those dipshits writing your speeches seemed to have missed is that all the people that are coming down on you now are Christians. The rest of us don't give a shit about your sexual transgressions. All the idiots that watch you on the course and tell their kids that they should look up to you like a nine iron wielding black Jesus are Christians.

One thing Christians don't like is other religions, especially ones that don't require a bunch of guilt or begin for forgiveness.

So here is our 2nd nominee, Tiger Woods. May he continue to wiggle like a worm so we have more shit to write about.

With all due respect,
The Chief