And the IgNobel Goes To....

A Big gelignite Packed

e-vite to

alfred bernhard nobel

As most of you out there know, celebrities do so little for me that I’d gladly take a beating with a rusted tire-iron. So I’ve made the decision to only do e-vites to those that are deceased, or that are soon to be. Ahhh... The cheerful satisfaction of the “Great Equalizer”. She don’t just come to you and me. Even the most plasticine marionette Sony/Fox/MGM can envision, through endless focus groups, age group profiling, Neilson ratings, or mass bombardment of one’s senses; WILL ALL CEASE TO BE. Just shuffle off “This Mortal Coil”. What a reassuring thought!

I thought it would be apropos, considering all of the awards being given out to various human types across the globe, to give a big ‘ole Angry shout out to a man probably quite near the top of the food chain when it comes to being responsible for quite a shit-ton of human misery and carnage. This man is none other than Alfred Nobel...

Mr. Nobel; chemist, engineer, armaments manufacturer, and last but not least inventor of Dynamiteand Gelignite A.K.A blasting gelatin. This fuckers legacy has been the bane of many a poor ‘Hop Sing the rail road builder’ and ‘Stanley the unsuspecting hostage’ types for well over a century now!! Hell!! If it weren’t for Nobel the Mangler, that barrel full of laughs Phineas P. Gage may have gone on to pressing flowers in children's books and waxing poetically on the finer details of Autoregressive Conditional Heteroskedasticity, embeded derivatives, and portfolio separation theorems.

I know of many situations where the use of Dynamite could have been completely avoided, but was also quite inappropriate! The painting of the Sistine Chapel by Leonardo D’Crappio, or the development of the Pan flute and Lyre, or most musical instruments for that matter! Or how about the beginning of a multiple colored sunset who’s light is diffused through Cirrostratus clouds viewed from an isolated beach?! I mean why use that shit for those destructive purposes?? Instead, the inverse of such perversion, ingenuity and careful reasoning, was fully utilized for situations as mellow and loving as: The Peloponnesian Wars. The 100 Years War. The Boer Wars.The Ottoman-Habsburg Wars, The Crusade’s, The Muscovite-Lithuanian wars, The War of Mantuan Succession, The Rum Rebellion, The Arakanese Uprising, The Gurkha War, The Seminole Wars, The Missouri Morman War (although a little more ingenuity and careful reasoning would have been nice on this one), The Sicilian revolution of independence ( they lost that one cause they kept sliding down the hills and couldn’t hold on to their weapons), and of course WW1&WW2, both of which had some of the most loving, caring examples of Human-hood ever seen!

I know, how silly Brady! Well Mr. Nobel, I see through your thinly disguised veil of Altruism! Just ‘cause you feel bad about inventing something that killed a few Injuns, some indentured servants, and quite a few lower class Euro-Sweat rejects; You think giving all your ill-gotten gains at your demise will save your soul... Them’s fightin’ thoughts!! So put up or shut up you dirt-napping Humo-Jerky!! I dare you to respond to this e-vite you soil wasting Necro-Tard!! I bet you don’t even have the gutsssss never mind ‘bout that one. You boney oxygen depleted deadbeat!! Your mortician dresses you funny and you smell like peat!! Where’s you Dynamite Messiah now wrinkle-boy? You couldn’t debate your way out of a wet pine coffin!!

I Don’t expect to hear from you any time soon you Swedish bomb dealer!!

ANgry brady

Buy The Way, I’m still pissed at my last 800+ word treatise being “Misplaced/Electro-mechanically pinched”