Open Letter to Richard Heene

Richard Heene, 

We completely understand your situation. We know how it feels to watch people on the television, acting like total asses, doing things that you would like to do, going places that you want to see, all the while thinking, Damn it I could do that!

Some out there in the real world don't get how frustrating it is to build really cool stuff like weather balloons and no one cares. Or to do really cool stuff like ride a motorcycle into a tornado and not get noticed. Or have your kids fly with you into a hurricane. Its a problem that we all can relate to. But don't despair. 

And no one knows better than we that the World is Full of Idiots and they are really easy to trick, but we also know something else.

NEVER TELL YOUR 6 YEAR OLD STUFF YOU DON'T WANT REPEATED. THEY ARE CRAPPY SECRET KEEPERS.

I have to hand it to you, the drama you created and your performance therein was pretty spectacular. When you came running around the balloon as it landed like you were the Road Runner or something with the cloud of dust kicking up around you I thought, "Man I hope that friggin kid is OK. His dad is freaking out."

Then I thought, "Hmm Uh oh, no kid. Whole Shit he fell out!" I never once thought, "I bet he's hiding in the garage because HIS GODDAMN DAD PUT HIM UP TO IT!"

Well done, but you really should have just knocked the little creeper out or something because he really blew it for you. Yet you still entertained me, like when Falcon says " because you said it was for the show" and you looked like you just crapped in your pants, but then pulled it together with a great bit of herumphing and mumbling. I couldn't stop laughing.

At you.

Or when Falcon puked on the Today show and you went on with the interview. Priceless. Now I have to admit the babble that you came up with after the "is this a hoax" question was a little Off Broadway.

I guess its like they say, The Show Must Gone On, right Rich?

We here at WFI were wondering though, could you give us a few pointer on how we can get our 15 minutes too? And if you have any suggestion on how to parlay that into a realty TV show that would be great.

With all due respect,

The Chief

And the IgNobel Goes To....

A Big gelignite Packed

e-vite to

alfred bernhard nobel

As most of you out there know, celebrities do so little for me that I’d gladly take a beating with a rusted tire-iron. So I’ve made the decision to only do e-vites to those that are deceased, or that are soon to be. Ahhh... The cheerful satisfaction of the “Great Equalizer”. She don’t just come to you and me. Even the most plasticine marionette Sony/Fox/MGM can envision, through endless focus groups, age group profiling, Neilson ratings, or mass bombardment of one’s senses; WILL ALL CEASE TO BE. Just shuffle off “This Mortal Coil”. What a reassuring thought!

I thought it would be apropos, considering all of the awards being given out to various human types across the globe, to give a big ‘ole Angry shout out to a man probably quite near the top of the food chain when it comes to being responsible for quite a shit-ton of human misery and carnage. This man is none other than Alfred Nobel...

Mr. Nobel; chemist, engineer, armaments manufacturer, and last but not least inventor of Dynamiteand Gelignite A.K.A blasting gelatin. This fuckers legacy has been the bane of many a poor ‘Hop Sing the rail road builder’ and ‘Stanley the unsuspecting hostage’ types for well over a century now!! Hell!! If it weren’t for Nobel the Mangler, that barrel full of laughs Phineas P. Gage may have gone on to pressing flowers in children's books and waxing poetically on the finer details of Autoregressive Conditional Heteroskedasticity, embeded derivatives, and portfolio separation theorems.

I know of many situations where the use of Dynamite could have been completely avoided, but was also quite inappropriate! The painting of the Sistine Chapel by Leonardo D’Crappio, or the development of the Pan flute and Lyre, or most musical instruments for that matter! Or how about the beginning of a multiple colored sunset who’s light is diffused through Cirrostratus clouds viewed from an isolated beach?! I mean why use that shit for those destructive purposes?? Instead, the inverse of such perversion, ingenuity and careful reasoning, was fully utilized for situations as mellow and loving as: The Peloponnesian Wars. The 100 Years War. The Boer Wars.The Ottoman-Habsburg Wars, The Crusade’s, The Muscovite-Lithuanian wars, The War of Mantuan Succession, The Rum Rebellion, The Arakanese Uprising, The Gurkha War, The Seminole Wars, The Missouri Morman War (although a little more ingenuity and careful reasoning would have been nice on this one), The Sicilian revolution of independence ( they lost that one cause they kept sliding down the hills and couldn’t hold on to their weapons), and of course WW1&WW2, both of which had some of the most loving, caring examples of Human-hood ever seen!

I know, how silly Brady! Well Mr. Nobel, I see through your thinly disguised veil of Altruism! Just ‘cause you feel bad about inventing something that killed a few Injuns, some indentured servants, and quite a few lower class Euro-Sweat rejects; You think giving all your ill-gotten gains at your demise will save your soul... Them’s fightin’ thoughts!! So put up or shut up you dirt-napping Humo-Jerky!! I dare you to respond to this e-vite you soil wasting Necro-Tard!! I bet you don’t even have the gutsssss never mind ‘bout that one. You boney oxygen depleted deadbeat!! Your mortician dresses you funny and you smell like peat!! Where’s you Dynamite Messiah now wrinkle-boy? You couldn’t debate your way out of a wet pine coffin!!

I Don’t expect to hear from you any time soon you Swedish bomb dealer!!

ANgry brady

Buy The Way, I’m still pissed at my last 800+ word treatise being “Misplaced/Electro-mechanically pinched”

Dr. Phil were you the naked live man?

The good doctor is in trouble again.

This time he is being sued by a woman who claims that he basically held her against her will in the "Dr. Phil House" and forced her to endure physical and psychological abuse.

Wait a minute, there is a place that is actually called the Dr. Phil House? That makes sense though, he is a big frigging clown just like the other guy with a house named in his honor.

In the suit, the victim alleges that she was forced to be in a room with a "a completely naked live man while he exposed his entire naked body, genitals and all," and that the staff blocked her from leaving.

Was Dr. Phil the naked man? I suspect so and thats why she wanted to get the hell out of his house. Just imagine what he would look like naked.

How did she know he was "live"? What does that even mean? Would it have been OK if the naked man was dead? Or would she have preferred that he be plastic, like a blowup boyfriend? Genitals and all huh? Isn't that sort of implied in the whole "naked" part? Why are people so stupid?

The court documents go further to state that the woman learned that Dr. Phil was not in fact a real doctor or even licensed to practice psychology in the state of California.

No Shit Sherlock? You mean that all that really good advise that he dispenses is all coming right out of his ass? No! Its not like you could have told from listening to him or reading anything ever written about him.

She must have been stunned. I mean everybody knows that the best way to find a qualified therapist is to pick them from TV. He's a celebrity surely he knows what he's talking about. Celebrities are really smart. So smart in fact they don't even have to go to college to get a degree or get a license.

That's why I chose Hugh Laurie to take care of my family. I mean not only is he a doctor but he's British. Obvious choice.

With all due respect,
The Chief

And the award for the biggest Asshole goes to...

Oh Thank God for Kanye West!

What an abominable idiot! I only wish he would have knocked Taylor Swift on her ass taking the mic from her. Only that could have made this better.

More than likely you are already sick of reading, hearing or seeing crap on this story, but we could not pass it up. How often do you get someone so completely self absorbed on stage, in front of millions of people who has the audacity to bully a little girl and he's not on a realty tv show?

Kanye West is truly a great big friggin' idiot and will be at the top of our Idiots of the Year Poll this winter. (Be sure to send in your recommendations in case we've missed someone).

The thing that really bothers me though is the pity party that he tried to throw for himself on Jay Leno the next evening. Basically saying that he was going to have to take some time off and really think about what he had done and how he was going to move passed it.

Putting himself in a time-out. Utter bullsh!t.

What does Kanye West do all day that he has to take time out from so that he can reflect on what a complete ass-wipe he is? Nothing. The guy does nothing.

Well that's not true, he does have to shave retarded looking crap in his hair and write songs with one chord and the same seven words repeated over and over again. He also needs time to steal music from lesser known rappers, lift jazz musicians' riffs and entire melodies, pretend to be a hip-hop artist while selling bubblegum techno and break paparazzi cameras at LAX.

Oh I almost forget ,he need time to cry about his momma too.

All in all he probably is too busy to sit down and think about what an
a$shole he is.

People stop buying is crap, would ya?

All of this was enough to make a great story and to feed our hate machine, but the proverbial cherry on top was this delicious bit:

Even the President thinks Kanye is an ass, um jackass that is. But of course he's an ass for saying it, right Rush?

In a related story, Kanye's mother's grave was recently seen turning over.

DJ AM - Final Destination 5?

First, in case you don't know who DJ AM (Adam Goldstein) is, he's this guy, Nicole Richie's ex-boyfriend, moderately famous club owner and DJ.

Last year he and Travis Barker, the tattooed up little freak of a drummer for Blink-182 and reality TV douche from the show "Meet the Barkers", crashed in a private Learjet on 9/19/08 (timing is everything people) near Columbia South Carolina. The crash occurred due to poor maintenance and operation, as described in the lawsuit against Goodyear Tire and the company that was maintaining the plane.

The tires were screwed up and no one noticed. Makes you feel really good about air travel.

In any case, the plane slide off the runway, crashed into an embankment and burned to the frigging ground. Travis and DJ AM managed to escape with their lives, a little burned up, but the other four people were crisped. I have to admit, prior to the aforementioned accident I had no idea who DJ AM was.

DJ AM's injuries were substantially worst than Barker's who spent only a few days in the hospital with 2nd and 3rd degree burns on his hands. DJ AM was in the hospital far longer. Dealing with the loss of friends and colleagues in the crash DJ AM, had to fight the urge to drown his pain (physical and emotional) with the prescription pain killer of choice for all the idiots in the Hollywood, OxyCotin.

According to reports DJ AM had been clean for a few years after kicking a serious crack habit and had lost over 60 pounds, but DEATH WILL NOT BE CHEATED

Death let DJ AM slip away the first time when he lost the weight and then again when he kicked crack, then yet again in the plane crash but he knew the old standard of over-dose was an easy way to get DJ AM and on August 28th Death got him. Still worse, Death may have been handing him the pills. They found 8 undigested OxyCotins in his stomach and one in his mouth.

It is unfortunate, but I smell the makings of a new reality TV show. "Death Stalks the Barkers".

Travis has got to be nervous.

-The Chief

Dead Kennedy

So we're all going to hear about what a great civil servant Ted Kennedy was.
Being born in 1969 I've only seen Ted as the bloated, gray haired, booze-swillin' cretin that he's been for the last thirty 30-something years.
I wonder how much the news is going to focus on his years of service, how he's a survivor.

Speaking of 1969. Are they going to cover Chappaquiddick? Mary Jo Kopechne?
Are they going to speak of how he abandoned her in his submerged car that he drove a bridge? How he left her there to die instead of telling the police? How the police didn't find out about the incident until the next day?
Is the media going to mention his expulsion from Harvard for cheating? Public drunkeness?
Hell no. So far the news is focusing on the positive and how long he's served in the Senate.

Is there any justice?

I didn't think so until my teenage son walked in this evening.
I asked him if he wore the shirt he was wearing to school. He said, "Oh, yeah". It was the topic of conversation that day.
Total coincidence. Not planned.
My son wore his Dead Kennedys T-Shirt. One of my favorite bands from the 80's.
Kismet.

The only question I have about Ted's death is: Why couldn't he have died the same day as Michael Jackson?

-Darth

The Great Beer Summit

Photo Op Time!

By now I'm sure everyone knows about the "Beer Summit" between the President, Professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr. and Sgt. James Crowley.

If you haven't heard the story here's the Cliff Notes' version:
On July 23rd, a neighbor called the Cambridge police to report that two black males with backpacks were trying to gain entry into Professor Gates' home.
Cambridge police Sergeant James Crowley and Officer Carlos Figueroa arrived to investigate.
Gates could not provide proper ID to prove that he lived there. Only a ID showing that he was a professor at Harvard.
At some point the professor began yelling at the police officers when asked to step onto the porch, "No. I will not.,"
Then he followed up with such rants as "This is what happens to black men in America!", "ya, I'll speak with your mama outside." and the total asshole line of "You don't know who you're messing with."

To make things worse, Professor Gates is a friend of President Obama.
When asked by the press to comment on the situation, the President replied that he didn't know all of the details but that the Cambridge Police Department acted "stupidly". (Of course, I'm paraphrasing the President. We don't have the room for all the ums... and uhhs...)
Guess what? If you don't know all the facts of the situation...don't comment on it! Especially when you're the President of the United States.

This was not a "black" thing Mr. President. It was a man disobeying the police thing.

It gets better. When more of the facts come out the President speaks to Sergeant Crowley and they decide that the 3 of them should all sit down and have a beer.

Cut to CNN broadcasting almost 2 minutes of nothing but the sound of cameras clicking while these three have a cold one. No audio of them speaking. Probably the biggest news let down since Geraldo accessed Al Capone's vault.

Then again, think of all the free advertising Bud Light, Blue Moon and Red Stripe received.

Red Stripe? Really.